Sometime back I got "an offer you cannot refuse" for a subscription to More Magazine. (Its hype was that it was for the "older woman." Past Ladies Home Journal and not quite to Modern Maturity.
I honestly expected to find something, anything that would appeal to my third age mentality.
This is some of what I found in the current issue:
Cover says: Your best hair at 30, 40, 50. (I infer that after fifty it's either hopeless or all your hair has fallen out.)
Younger Looking Hands--6 weeks to total transformation. Etc. Little blurb on sexual positions. Book reviews. Six page article on how to fail successfully: Turning today's flop into tomorrow's triumph. (Like that chocolate pie I made? No way to turn that flop into a triumph--any day!!!!) I didn't read the article but I don't think it was about pie.
Now I don't mind ads for Le Vian Chocolatier--but it's diamonds not chocolate. I don't plan to go to Jared so I like to see the diamonds.
Ad for a Lexus. Nope.
Ad for Le vie est belle by Lancôme. 98.00 for 2.5 fl oz eau de parfum spray
I admit that I am a frugalista, that status symbols and snobbery aren't on my agenda. But this magazine made me wonder what I've done wrong in my life that I can't have a monthly income to allow me to pay:
$60.00 for a pair of patent smoking slippers (can't think why anybody would want slippers that smoke?)
250.00 for Lancôme ultimate eye contour collection
36.00 for 6 little (as in hotel size) bars of soap
33.00 for twelve champagne flavored and golden hued macaroons
16.00 for 12 (yes 12) bite-size cake "truffles." (Read: vanilla cake dipped in white chocolate and rolled in a rainbow-sprinkle crumble.
49.00 for four Literary quote cocktail plates.
42.00 for a tiny little candle (smells like Champagne)
14.00 for two recycled cashmere iron-on patches
But this is the bit, which started my rampage:
Do-over for sun-damaged hands:
Help for slack skin and prominent veins: One treatment (may take two). Fat taken from stomach then injected into back of hands.
Cost: 6500 to 8000. (I saw some nice little gloves at Dollar Tree!)
Spots: No problem: Fraxel Laser treatment. Two or three treatments averaging 1113 each.
I think for the price of the hand treatment, the ultimate eye collection, three dozen cake truffles, enough iron-on patches to repair all my Goodwill sweaters with holes and 36 of the cocktail plates--or maybe 72 (Why have a "little" cocktail party? And then I'd need the DKNY silk dress for 695.)
I could buy the Lexus!!
When I go to doctor offices I always look at People. Pages and pages of gossip and I never know any one. Or I look at Vogue--where a clutch bag is advertised for only $3600. I feel ignorant and poor.
Why not start a new magazine just for those of us who belong to La Tercera Edad. The Third Age. Good name for our magazine. I can think of some very good articles.
How To Know It's Time To Burn Your Bra (Not in revolt against the system but against agony)
Does Preparation H Really Shrink Bags Under the Eyes?
Comparing the Cost of the Remainder of Your Life on a Cruise with an Assisted Living Facility
How to Teach Clerks, Wait Staff, Receptionists etc. That It is Not A Good Idea to Ignore You
My Life as a WalMart Greeter
How to Take Advantage of Obama care to get a Pedicure if You Can't Bend Over or See Your Toes
Is There Really Life after 7:00 p.m.?
How to Find a Doctor or Dentist Who Does Not Look Fourteen Years Old but Who is Not Old Enough to Die Before You
Games and Puzzles To Make your Brain Sharp Enough to Remember Why You Have Been Standing in Front of the Refrigerator for Fifteen Minutes
And I bet we can get lots of ads for Depends, support hose, Metamusil, heating pads, old lady pocketbooks with compartments, denture cream, lift chairs, motorized scooters, hearing aids, wigs (since our hair fell out after 50),