Musings of a Demented Mind On Aging

Thoughts on hair growth, hot flashes, fleshy arms, weight gain, and all the perks of aging. 

by Suzanne Troutner • More.com Member { View Profile }

So! You think you’ve got problems? Your boyfriend/girlfriend dumped you? Got divorced? Raising teenagers? Not getting along with your boss/co-workers? All of that seems like a snap compared to getting older!

Here are just a few things that you have to look forward to:

Hair. On most folks, it starts to thin as one ages. On some folks it just falls out altogether! Trust me, on a woman, “Bald is NOT beautiful”!

Next come the gray hairs. (Never sure whether it’s spelled “grey” or “gray.”) Anyway, back to the gray hair. On men, well let’s just say that it makes them look distinguished. Classical. Wisdom abounds from their very being, somewhat akin to an aura of knowledge! The “all seeing, all knowing one.” On women, it makes us look OLD! Yep! That’s it ladies, just O-L-D!!!

Moving a little lower, we encounter the face. Did you know that your ears and nose continue to grow throughout your lifetime? Great! So now what?! I’m a gray-haired old woman who looks like a bad imitation of Prince Charles and Dumbo?!

But, I digress. I was talking about the face. We begin to see wrinkles. Small and unassuming at first. Then, one morning you gaze into the mirror. Holy mackerel! I look into the mirror and see my grandmother staring back at me! I didn’t even get to experience the softening of my features, the sweetness of my mother’s face.

Nope! I jumped right straight into grandma! Now, mind you, my Grandmother was a beautiful woman, I’m just sayin’. Small creases near my eyes and lines I have heard referred to as “laugh lines” have become chasms that could substitute for the Grand Canyon! And what in the Hell happened to my mouth?! I look like I’ve been sucking on a lemon! Is this where the phrase “butt lips” comes from? Why is my lipstick getting sucked into these ravines around my entire mouth making me look like a demented clown with Parkinson’s?

Having a good time yet? Well, the fun doesn’t stop there! Check out your eyes. Look quick! Before they get completely covered by those huge sagging bags that reside between your lashes and brows.

Oh! There’s more.

Remember your thinning hair? Well, it didn’t really go away, it just found a new place to sprout. Yep! The shit is now growing all over your face! Your inner caveman is about to appear. It doesn’t matter that you are a woman, The Caveman Cometh!

Your once shapely, defined eyebrows are now becoming a unibrow. Yep! There appears to be a large caterpillar riding upon your forehead right above your eyes! Oh, and by the way. You no longer have eyelashes… gone! Yep. Just gone.

And what the heck is that?

I have nose hairs? No!My father has nose hairs! I am not supposed to have nose hairs! It looks like someone stuffed a tumbleweed into each nostril! This is just great.

I have now acquired a new tool to put into my beauty arsenal. A nose-hair trimmer.

Yes, for those who do not know, it’s like a mini weed-wacker for your nose. Buzzzz. Shit! Buzzzz. Ouch! Buzzzz. (Well, at least you can always tell when I’m using it.)

O.K., that’s done! But, just when you think you’re safe —Sprong!

What the heck? A hair, nay! A mustache suddenly appears!

Sprong! Sprong! Sprong! I have more facial hair than my husband does!! O.K., get out the tweezers. Shoot! Ouch! Damn it!

And, just when you think you’re done and have removed all excess hair from your nose, brow, mustache and chin, you see IT!

Holy Crap! How long has that been there? A four-inch hair is growing out of your not-yet-mentioned double chin!

Great! How many people saw it before I did? Dear, God! Now I spend the next 10 minutes wondering who saw it, and if they told anyone else and how many people I’m going to have to kill to keep this quiet!

Remember all of those glorious, carefree days that, as young girls, we spent soaking up the sun and having fun? Well, get ready because that’s about to come back and bite you in the butt!

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