No Thanx to Spanx

Her Spanx had rolled up, leaving her midriff exposed, and she wondered: Is it worth it?

by claudia stagg • Member { View Profile }
Photograph: iStock

This Saturday, I joined five other BFFs from high school for a fun afternoon hosted by one of them. I won’t name names to protect the innocent. You’ll soon find out why.

That morning, I started trying on a few outfits to, well, help me look my best among friends. I didn’t have time during the week to get waxed, or have my hair cut and colored for that matter.

As my clothes pile got bigger, I finally gave up. Reluctantly, I went into my dresser drawer and pulled out a Spanx, designed and purchased to reduce my muffin top. It was an all-in-one operation — complete with bra — that went only to my waist.

Well, this might work, I thought, even though I can remember how I felt the last time I wore it. I contorted my upper body, took a few deep breaths and struggled into my straight jacket until my face turned bright red. Then I added a colorful sweater for additional camouflage and off I went.

When I arrived at my friend’s house, I was happy to see my friends. We all looked the same since we last saw each other, give or take a few pounds. We caught up, reminisced and laughed over some wine before a fabulous lunch.

Of course, the topic of our ever-changing body shapes came up. So did the pros and cons of wearing Spanx. One by one, most of us admitted that we did indeed wear the black, white or skin toned “under armour” on rare occasions — or even more regularly than that.

Little by litte, we confessed our sins:

“I wear at least two, sometimes three, Spanx every day to work. By the time I get home, I can’t even breathe. “

“I used to wear one to reduce my bust, and then I end up with a smushed and unflattering uni-boob. I felt like a &*%#$ linebacker. ”

“I can’t unsnap my Spanx fast enough when I have to use the ladies room. It’s not a pretty sight.”

“I wore an all-in-one Spanx for my nephew’s wedding. It went down to my thighs. I slipped on the dance floor, and there I was, on my knees in all my glory. All you could see was my black Spanx. The worst part was that my sister posted it on Facebook!"

Our stories brought additional laughs and offered some food for thought. We pondered: Are Spanx really worth it?

As I got up from the couch, I noticed my Spanx had rolled up to my bra, leaving my midriff exposed under my shirt. Maybe I need a new Spanx. Or maybe not. Maybe I’ll just say no thanks to Spanx. I’ll never tell.

I guess one thing is for sure. You can run, but you cannot hide.

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