They used to call them girdles. Now they are Spanx. When I got my first,
I felt invincible. Every dress hung seamless on my frame, the little tourniquet
made me look five pounds thinner. My initial purchase was just
the "tummy to mid-thigh" model. Now they make them
from right above the knee to under the breast bone. Also there is
one that has a built in bra and is strapless. Whatever the ensemble
there is a way to spanx yourself thinner. This is how
I commenced New Year’s Eve, like a stuffed sausage, in my sequined mini dress.
Sitting over my seven-course price fixe with my significant other, I began
to feel an itch and then a pain under the bra where the spanx began
to work its miracle. By the time I finished my caesar salad,
it felt like Brutus was stabbing me. I gobbled up my mini crab cake.
I started to get crabby. When the champagne intermezzo came
I needed a drink, I was being strangled by my vanity and
confessed to my man friend that I needed
to remove the torture chamber, in the ladies room.
I ripped my dress off, not wanting to miss my petite filet. I tore off
the spanx and at this point didn’t care if my $78 blow out would survive.
Relief! I gingerly put the dress back on and tried to stuff the spanx
into my three-inch prada clutch — no luck.
Then I felt another stab, as I tried to smooth down the hair that
had enough product to last through a Sid Vicious music video.
My red hair was standing straight up like the crown on the statue of liberty.
Just as I was grabbing the knob of the rest room door,
the underwire on my bra got me. Oh no, maybe the underpants
were not the sole culprit after all. I returned to the stall and ripped
off the dress and then the bra.
Now I had my hands full of my underwear
with no option but to try to walk back to the coatroom
and stuff the culprits into my coat pockets,
without anyone noticing me. As I slid back
into my chair, I had the feeling like I just pulled off
one of those tags on the mattress that warns you not to tear
it off under penalty of arrest and imprisonment. In fact,
when my boyfriend asked me what I did, I said demurely,
think Sharon Stone’s quote in that movie,
“What are you going to do book me for smoking.”
Being freed from my underwear, I felt naughty but nice.
After dinner, we beat the buzzed drivers home and
watched the New Year’s Everecap of top stories.
The female celebrities that top the pop scene this year
are surprisingly curvy, Kim Kardashian, Christina Aguliera,
Adele, JLo, Beyonce, to name a few.
Therefore, this year I will not make a resolution to lose weight.
Skinny ladies in vogue kiss my big butt.