They used to call them girdles. Now they are Spanx. When I got my first,

I felt invincible. Every dress hung seamless on my frame, the little tourniquet

made me look five pounds thinner. My initial purchase was just

the "tummy to mid-thigh" model. Now they make them

from right above the knee to under the breast bone. Also there is

one that has a built in bra and is strapless. Whatever the ensemble

there is a way to spanx yourself thinner. This is how

I commenced New Year’s Eve, like a stuffed sausage, in my sequined mini dress.

Sitting over my seven-course price fixe with my significant other, I began

to feel an itch and then a pain under the bra where the spanx began

to work its miracle. By the time I finished my caesar salad,

it felt like Brutus was stabbing me. I gobbled up my mini crab cake.

I started to get crabby. When the champagne intermezzo came

I needed a drink, I was being strangled by my vanity and

confessed to my man friend that I needed

to remove the torture chamber, in the ladies room.

I ripped my dress off, not wanting to miss my petite filet. I tore off

the spanx and at this point didn’t care if my $78 blow out would survive.

Relief! I gingerly put the dress back on and tried to stuff the spanx

into my three-inch prada clutch — no luck.

Then I felt another stab, as I tried to smooth down the hair that

had enough product to last through a Sid Vicious music video.

My red hair was standing straight up like the crown on the statue of liberty.

Just as I was grabbing the knob of the rest room door,

the underwire on my bra got me. Oh no, maybe the underpants

were not the sole culprit after all. I returned to the stall and ripped

off the dress and then the bra. 

Problem. 

Now I had my hands full of my underwear

with no option but to try to walk back to the coatroom

and stuff the culprits into my coat pockets,

without anyone noticing me. As I slid back

into my chair, I had the feeling like I just pulled off

one of those tags on the mattress that warns you not to tear

it off under penalty of arrest and imprisonment. In fact,

when my boyfriend asked me what I did, I said demurely,

think Sharon Stone’s quote in that movie,

“What are you going to do book me for smoking.”

Being freed from my underwear, I felt naughty but nice.

After dinner, we beat the buzzed drivers home and

watched the New Year’s Everecap of top stories.

The female celebrities that top the pop scene this year

are surprisingly curvy, Kim Kardashian, Christina Aguliera,

Adele, JLo, Beyonce, to name a few. 

Therefore, this year I will not make a resolution to lose weight. 

Skinny ladies in vogue kiss my big butt.