Have you already blown your New Year’s resolutions? Great. Because maybe they are not meant to be. And not because you are weak, lazy, dumb… and whatever other lies you tell yourself. As a Voice Dialogue practitioner I want to know which parts of you made the foolish commitments to “get in shape” and “get out of debt and make more money.” It sounds like a lot of work.
Voice Dialogue, http://www.newyorkvoicedialogueinstitute.org, developed by the Drs. Stone, is based on the premise that our personality consists of a family of internal Selves or Sub-personalities. As we grow up, we identify with some Selves and denounce others. Associating with only Primary Selves (examples include your Inner Jock, Tightwad, Pipe Dreamer and Good Girl) and rejecting Disowned Selves (like your Inner Cougar, Green-Eyed Monster, Snob, Procrastinator, Warrior or Greedy Self) creates imbalance!
When Primary Sub-personalities hijack the Self-Improvement Agenda, other Selves rebel. Their points of view were not taken into consideration at resolution time. When you give up chocolate, there is an Inner Child who is very sad and will do what many kids have to do to get their way. Sneak in when the parent is sleeping and make a mess when they have their cake and eat it too. I don’t know why, but these Inner Revolutionaries always have more vigor and will power than the Inner Resolutionaries.
The concept of polarized Primary and Disowned Sub-personalities struggling for control is helpful as a way to understand being stuck in the game of internal ping-pong. Common examples are starving by day, gorging by night or over-scheduling followed by isolating. When you consider which of your Selves might be involved in a particular situation, you are on the way to solving the mystery of why ostensibly self-destructive impulses “don’t just go away.”
In Voice Dialogue no Sub-personality is considered “better” than another. Every Self is indispensable for wholeness. Without access to all our Sub-Personalities, we are cut off from vital parts of ourselves, which robs us of our natural intelligence as well as our sources of energy. You will inevitably abandon strict resolutions that make you suffer. Be honest – you always fall off the “good intentions” wagon! And this only adds to your feelings of failure and who needs that? (Hint: Your Inner Critic.) And again, let’s be honest. If fanning the flames of failure worked, you wouldn’t be here. Again.
Every behavior has a function. Yes, dysfunctional behavior too. (I bet your Inner Cougar can think of a few of her favorite trespasses…) If you are not sure why a particular pattern exists, think about which naughty bits of you get rewarded. It’s quite possible someone with financial issues unconsciously feels special when Daddy bails out her Inner Little Princess (yes, even at this age!) Another woman may have an Inner Sick-And-Tired-Of-Waiting Cinderella expecting her dawdling Prince in Financial Armor to sweep her off her feet to live happily ever after. And let the dividends clear her credit rating while he’s at it. The grip of these fairy tales is probably tighter than your Inner Sophisticated Ladies realize.
Hmmm. Did you notice the cadre of Disowned Selves mentioned earlier represent the seven deadly sins? So what might be some of the gifts of the Inner Cougar, Procrastinator, Green-Eyed Monster, Snob, Warrior and Greedy Self? Being slothful, greedy, gluttonous and lusty enhances your ability to experience full frontal enjoyment. Also putting boring things off can be an effective time management strategy. It allows the opportunity for someone else (perhaps under the control of their Inner Perfectionist) to step in. This makes room for the possibility of dedicating oneself to something fabulous. Jealousy and envy quite definitively inform you of your desires. Your wrath is your friend because it fuels assertiveness and helps you protect yourself and others. (Hint: You can harness these forces of nature when they are on board with your plan.) Is pride not a badge of honor recognizing your refined taste? Welcome these delicious, languid, sensual Sub-personalities who have been villainized. You will feel better when your Inner clique is more inclusive. An armoire should include sneaks and spikes!