My Big Mommy Sandy, and I arrived in L.A. on Friday for the Oscars this weekend. Now when you get into the L.A. airport you have to quickly find a cabbie who speaks English. We found out on previous trips, that broken-English can mean broken destinations, as in, ending up in the wrong place. Mommy's here on business and I'm here to meet Uggie the canine star of Silent Movie. It's late now, so were going to sleep to see the lights and sights of downtown Hollywood early tomorrow. Tonight, I dream of hundreds of sheep under my spell.
We're staying at the old “Roosevelt Hotel” right in Hollywood instead of my fave, “The Beverly Hills Hotel,” which is located about 10 miles away. Sandy, my mom, wants to be in the middle of all the action, especially for her favorite, “The Red Carpet” arrivals. Her screenplay agent and friend got us the tickets. Hey, they have agents for all kinds of specific things out here: Script agents, feature-film agents, TV agents, Internet agents, book agents, booking agents, talent agents, agents for your agents. It makes my head swim. With so many middlemen, no wonder it takes so long to get anything done. I'm going to meet with an “animal” agent who represents Uggie, the star of my upcoming saga. We're having lunch at Spago's on Monday in a special hidden room just for non-humans.
This old Roosevelt is some kind of place. It’s as old as Hollywood itself — 'bout a 100 years or so. Seems that the first Oscars were held here. Celebrities have stayed here, lived full-time here, fought here, loved here and died here. In fact the guy who brought in our luggage said the place is full of ghosts! Now there are only two things I'm really scared of: bears and ghosts. I can run like hell from bears, but ghosts? I'm sleeping close to Mommy tonight.
On Saturday afternoon, we went out to the beach at Marina Del Rey to visit some folks who live on big boats. Really big boats. My favorite was a couple who Sandy's known for years, that have a big Black Lab, “Blackie,” living on-board full time. They travel all over the world with him and Blackie tells me, he's pooped on some of the finest beaches in Europe. I'm too shy for that. I prefer the deep woods, far from the maddening crowds.
Sunday morning is here and after a big brunch, we head over to the place where the Red Carpet is. It's around 3 in the afternoon, and people have started arriving. Big Mommy is busy watching all the designer dresses the women are wearing. She talks to the photographers and other spectators and gives each person a grade; A-F. Now years ago before the stars starting relying on professional “dressers” half the women would've received an F. Today hardly anyone ever gets a failing grade. Her favorite was Gwyneth Paltrow's white dress and cape. Sandy loved it. Her least favorite was a skimpy see-through dress that showed the world her bare chest: a lady singer with a big butt wore it.
The Oscars started at 8 that evening. It's recently always been held at “The Kodak Center” but this year, Kodak filed for bankruptcy so they removed their name. Funny thing with the Kodak Company being world famous for film, but not being able to sponsor film's biggest night. Ironic wouldn't you say?
So all the various actors were shown in the movie roles, they were nominated for. I can't remember many, but Mommy and I sure liked George Clooney in Hawaii. There was also a large looking lady nominated for a scene in which she poops in a bathroom sink. Hey, I can do that if I want to. But that's gross. Neither of them won.
Billy Crystal was the master of the Oscars or something. Daddy had mentioned before we left, that he'd met Billy once at a basketball game. It seems that Mr. Crystal, when he was in town, attended every game for the Los Angeles Clippers and even had seats on the floor, which were very expensive. One time, Daddy found himself sitting next to Mr. Crystal. He asked Billy why he rooted for the Clippers, who were really lousy, and not the Los Angeles Lakers who were frequently the World Champions. He looked at Dad and simply replied, “I'm a masochist.”