If you watch television at all, you’ve probably seen the iPhone commercial with the slogan, “There’s an app for that.” And upon quick review it does seem that there is an app (from the Geek, meaning “shortcut to getting something done using your phone assuming you’re young enough to read the screen”) for almost everything. From recipes to identifying birdcalls, from calculating tips to making espresso, from playing Texas Hold ‘Em poker to finding sex offenders in your neighborhood – they’re all there.

Or are they?

Where are the apps for the midlife woman? Sure, twenty-something women may use their iPhones to work out to Pilates or calculate their periods (a real app, by the way), but those of us over 40 are apparently chopped liver (or liver-flavored tofu) because none of the following apps seem to be on the list:

4x magnifier app. Before using any apps on any phone, we’re going to have to be able to see them, so we need an app that automatically enlarges everything else on our phones to a size we can read. Without squinting and having to run into the ladies room so that the lighting is just right. This app should be number one on the list and perhaps it should have a raised dot or something so we don’t have to wear our glasses out in order to find it in the first place.

Why am I in this room? app. This would combine your to-do list, a short psychological profile that explains why you do most of the things you do, and a GPS device to determine within one standard deviation, why you are standing in the living room. Talk about a time-saver!

Is it time to replace my estrogen patch? app. I don’t know about you, but my patches (and yes, I did try all the natural and homemade remedies, including yam cream with marshmallow topping, first) require changing every 3.5 days. Are you kidding me? I can’t remember to take my Gingko pill every day despite the fact that I bought one of those “I can’t believe I’m old enough to need” days of the week pill dispensers to put it in. I need my phone to zap me with a small jolt of electricity when half a week has gone by as a gentle reminder.

Personal global warming app. Not only should this app provide a tiny electric fan to cool us down, it should automatically bring up every place with uber-air conditioning and/or frozen treats and it should do it in less time than it takes to have a meltdown.

Understanding your teenagers app. Now here’s a great idea. With the touch of one finger, you could have a direct link to the meaning of all the text-messaging and twittering lingo your sons and daughters make up as soon as you’ve caught on to POS (parent over shoulder) and MIW (mom is watching.) It would be great if this app also came with a “Teen Facial Identification Chart,” to help interpret every eye roll and grimace.

Too old for that app. Am I too old for a miniskirt at 52-and-a-half? Can I teeter-totter at a local park with a middle-aged girlfriend without having kids on our laps? If I flirt with the waiter, will I be labeled a cougar, panther, ocelot, or some other feline despite the fact that I’m usually covered in dog hair? This handy app could answer all these questions so that you can break each and every rule.

Do you have an app you’d like to see? Let me know. I’m not above tweeting Apple to let them know we’re not entirely satisfied with our piece of the pie.