I’m a stepmommy. I have two wonderful, super awesome stepchildren. In fact, they may be the coolest stepkids ever. One is a three-year-old boy, and the other is a six-year-old girl. This particular blog happens to regard my stepdaughter. But believe me, we’ll come to the boy. I promise.
Today, I’m going to rant and rave over the list of things geared toward little girls that I find absolutely DISGUSTING and DISTURBING. If you think this makes me sound judgmental or bitchy, the line forms to the right, hope you packed a lunch.
1. Bratz dolls. The initial creep out factor is the fact that their heads are huge. They’re not just out of proportion, they’re ookily large. Then, upon closer inspection of these plastic skankbags, they are wearing more eyeliner on one eye than I wore to my high school prom. If their skirts were any shorter ... well, I guess a shaving joke at this juncture would be in bad taste. While the packaging is no more bright and colorful than any other mass marketed toy in the aisle, however, the words “Diva” and “Attitude” … well, I feel that those things will come soon enough without the help of MGA Entertainment.
2. Pants with writing on the ass. Please tell me what parent in their right mind puts a little girl in pants with the words “Sweet” across the ass? Are you F-ING kidding me? Unacceptable. Please tell me that whatever mom is buying these for their daughter does not have a seat on the PTA. If adults want to wear it, okay. Juicy Couture? Fine. If some grown woman wants to pay ninety bucks for a pair of yoga pants, rock on. I have three kids, all under the age of seven. Nine dollar pants are barely an option for me.
3. String bikinis. At what point did string, two piece, triangle top bikinis come in sizes that end in an X? No, not start with an X. I, myself, occasionally purchase clothing where the size begins with an X. But at no juncture in time is it either appropriate or necessary for a child’s bathing suit to have pieces that move independently from the rest of the suit. In fact, there should not be the rest of the suit. It should all just be (singular) THE SUIT. The beach, pool, or slip and slide should not turn my child into a pedophile’s dream.
4. Slutty Halloween costumes. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all about Halloween being “come as you aren’t.” In fact, last year happened to be the perfect year to become a skeezy pirate wench for an evening. Last year also happened to be the year I turned twenty-six. Point being? Let’s be honest, if you haven’t gotten my point by now, you should probably be out buying a padded helmet so as not to injure yourself further.
5. Cell phones. There is no child important enough in the business world to necessitate a cell phone. I understand that Disney makes a cell phone that will only dial Mommy, Daddy, and 911. That’s cool. I watch Law and Order: SVU, and I’m just as paranoid as every other parent out there. That said, I don’t care how cool your kid is. Unless they’re so cool they can pay the bill on their own? Yeah. Not cute.