As we have already established, I am a gal of a rather husky nature. Called curvaceous by some, and that’s just fancy-speak for “carrying a few extra pounds,” I hear your cries. Over the years, the only store I have found that hasn’t shunned and punished those of us who can’t control our food intake, is Lane Bryant. Their clothes make a concerted effort to mimic those in the rest of the fashion world, giving us options other than pleated mom jeans and the ever-popular muumuu. The downside to them is that they charge us for the extra fabric, so their prices are more than what you would pay at Old Navy.
So the other day, I kicked back with my monthly mail ad, only to be horrified. Apparently skinny jeans just weren’t skinny enough, and they have created jeans that are actually leggings. I don’t know what is worse … a silk-screened print of denim on a spandex knit or that fact that someone thought it was completely appropriate to sell in a store that starts at size 14 and goes to “You can fit a bowling ball in their bras.” Now before you start leaving me nasty comments, asking me why I hate my own kind … SAVE IT! I believe that curvy women are certainly sexy, and you can be bigger and beautiful. But I don’t want to see my own cottage-cheese thighs rippling through spandex, and no one wants to see yours either.
Which leads me to unfold yet another revelation that no one has put out there: if you have an “awning over the porch” (i.e., your belly hangs over your pants, or you have what is referred to as a “muffin top”), then you need to stop wearing jeans made for anorexic teenagers. I know what it is like to have to bite back your pride and go a size up, but go a size up! It’s just not healthy to cram it all in there. If you need to use a shoe horn to scoop your fat roll in to your jeans, I am talking to you! Proper care and feeding of a gut, is to treat it right and let it breathe. If you truly love your body the way it is, then let it love you back by not tethering it in such a manner that it creates two rolls instead of one, which is what happens when you wear clothes that don’t fit. They have this wonderful invention called Spanx, which smoothes things out so nicely that you kind of want to spank your rear-end because it looks so good.
I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, but you will thank me for it later when you see photos of yourself.