We’ve all rolled our eyes at them. We’ve all pointedly avoided “liking” them. And let’s face it, we’ve all been guilty at one time or another of accidentally posting them ourselves. That’s right! Tonight’s topic is annoying parent Facebook statuses.
I’m fully prepared to admit that I’m a bit easily irritated by this sort of thing. As a mom, I can only imagine how infinitely more annoying these statuses are to people who don’t have children. And what about those people who would like to have children but, for whatever reason, cannot? These statuses must make them want to hurl their laptop through the nearest plate glass window and then run outside to stomp on it to make sure it’s thoroughly destroyed.
I’ve selected some choice examples from my own news feed, at great personal risk of public humiliation and/or defriending. Only because I love you guys that much. Let’s begin. (While I keep one eye on my rapidly declining friend count.)
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Example One: The “my child is a genius … no really” status. These statuses usually end in at least seventeen exclamation points and involve an eight month old being halfway to potty-trained or an eleven month old speaking in complete sentences. In Mandarin Chinese. Let’s face it, people. You gave it your best shot, but we all know you’re making it up. (And on the off chance you’re not, this is obnoxious bragging to the most serious degree.)
Example Two: The “no one cares about this s–t but me” status. Such as, “waiting for little Jimmy to wake up from his nap before going to the store!” Really, how are you supposed to reply to something like this? Why would you waste the energy to comment or even finish reading once you get to word number five? It’s not even worth the half a calorie I might burn by lifting my finger to click “like”.
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Example Three: The super not-cute photo of their kid, usually with a face covered in semi-identifiable pureed food that becomes incredibly awkward when everyone fails to acknowledge it. This becomes infinitely more cringe worthy with the inevitable single comment that eventually appears beneath it that when you click it, it’s from the parent, saying “what, really?! No one else thinks this is the cuuuuutest thing everrrrrrr?!?!” (Also followed by more silence, which, if you’re extra lucky, is rounded off nicely by a snippy “hmph” from the original poster and then a conspicuous absence from Facebook for the next five days.)
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Example Four: The photo albums full of like seventy-five nearly identical pictures of the same kid. While we’re on the topic of photos, let’s address these. You know the albums I mean. Drooling baby doing tummy time. Drooling baby doing tummy time with one eye slightly closed. Drooling baby doing tummy time with maybe a hint of a smile. Drooling baby doing tummy time—wait, did they post this exact photo twice? I think they posted this one twice. Why am I even still looking at this? GAHHH!!! What is happening to my life?!?!
Example Five: Pretty much anything from a pregnant woman with no children about how overwhelmed she is or how nothing is ever about her, because let’s face it, honey, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
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Example Six: The overly dramatic request for prayers. I’m so sorry, but even if I were a praying person, which I’m not, I would never trouble the Good Man Upstairs with demands for your toddler to take a good nap before your dinner party or for your baby to have an ear infection in just one ear instead of two.
Example Seven: The super-gross status about their child’s bodily functions. I can’t even discuss the specific details of these without wanting to vomit all over my keyboard. Let’s just say I usually am eating while I browse Facebook and I’d prefer that you didn’t ruin my lunch with diaper details. And for the love of God, please don’t elaborate with a photo.
I know there are more of these that I can’t think of at the moment. Tell me, which parent Facebook statuses do you find most annoying?