We, like most reasonable people, are skeptical that a Wiig-less Bridesmaids is worth doing at all. But what’s the point of crying over Wiig-less milk? Here are three Wiig-free Bridesmaids sequels (and one prequel) we’d pay to see.
1. Megan’s Dolphin Intervention
As you may recall, Melissa McCarthy’s character, Megan, mentioned that she had a life-changing underwater exchange with a dolphin after she “pinballed” off a cruise ship. The dolphin, as she told Annie, looked into her soul and told her—telepathically—that it was saving her life. Ever since then, we’ve been speculating on the dire circumstances that led to her “hard, violent fall” off a cruise ship and wondering what kind of cruise it was. We’ve also reconstructed the underwater interspecies Kumbaya moment and the subsequent inevitable dolphin ride a gazillion times in our minds. We’d love to see a Bridesmaids prequel that ties up all these loose ends and gives us a glimpse into the spiritual awakening of Megan. As a bonus, this movie has a built-in subplot of a straight-talking dolphin, played by Paul Rudd, who travels the seas saving wayward women.
2. An Exposé: How the Bridesmaids Ruined My Life
One thing is certain: the Bridemaids crew made a lot of enemies. From the flight attendants on the trip to Las Vegas who had to convince Annie—and all of the passengers that she riled up—and that there wasn’t a colonial woman on the wing of the plane, to the bridal shop owner who was left with a mess of epic proportions after Lillian and friends soiled her dresses, sink, and carpet after a violent bout with food poisoning, nearly all of the hired help in this movie got the short end of the stick. This sequel will be a devastating look at the trail of destruction left by Lillian’s bridal party and the lives that were ruined in the name of her blessed union, narrated expertly by Paul Rudd.
3. Ted Meets His Douchey, Superficial Match, Changes His Douchey, Superficial Ways
You might remember Ted as the insufferable cad who, while in a post-coital embrace, told Kristen Wiig’s character, “This is so awkward; I really want you to leave, but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.” We want to put this guy through the ringer—and the best person for the job: Amy Poehler. Poehler’s character will be a female version Ted—painfully self-absorbed and obnoxious—with whom he falls madly in love. Through her, he realizes his own flaws and embarks on a journey of personal transformation. He can’t do this on his own, so he enlists the help of a local pretentious, ponytailed self-help guru played by Paul Rudd. Of course once Ted begins to show progress, Poehler wants nothing to do with him so she leaves him. At which point, Ted meets Megan, who’s had dolphin-inspired awakening—and voila, a trilogy in the making.
4. Becca Becomes a Soft-Rock Star, Battles Soft-Rock Demons
In the first movie we got the feeling that Becca (played by Ellie Kemper) had a lot of exploring left to do in life, mostly due to this line: “You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!” So we propose the following: after Becca’s eye-opening experience with the raunchy bridesmaids, culminating in a powerful performance by Wilson Philips at Lillian’s wedding, Becca decides she’s going to take life by the horns and follow her childhood dream of becoming a (soft) rock star. She and Rita set out to become the new Wilson Philips and they reach moderate success thanks to Becca’s beguiling lyrics. But fame gets best of Becca. She begins swearing and staying up late; Rita barely recognizes her. Becca hits rock bottom and has a tawdy fling with a stoner roadie played by Paul Rudd before realizing she was happier with her simple life back home.