The first thing you have to know is: Do NOT go to YouPorn.com.
Jeez, I bet I lost half of you already, didn’t I? And of the thousands of you who disobeyed my explicit instructions and immediately clicked over to YouPorn.com, I’m sure at least several hundred are now lying on the floor, knocked over by the shock.
Stop! Whoa. There went almost all the rest of you.
I know what happens when you first hear about YouPorn, the free online porn video-sharing site, because it’s what happened to me.
My 19-year-old son came home from his summer job at a big internet news site, and said, totally casually, “We score really high with the keyword YouPorn.”
The first part of that sentence I felt really proud of myself for being able to decode: He meant that his site got a lot of visitors from people searching for the term “YouPorn.”
It was the YouPorn part I didn’t get. What in tarnation was YouPorn? I had never heard of it, and I’m betting you haven’t either. But my son looked at me as if I’d asked him what cell phones were, or iPods.
“It’s like YouTube,” he told me. “For pornography.”
Did he mean that it was a site where people uploaded videos of themselves having sex? He did.
Interest piqued, I immediately typed in YouPorn.com, with my son sitting right there. And then, as YouPorn’s home page popped onto my screen, I screamed and fell onto the floor.
If you’re one of the few still reading this without peeking at the actual site, all I can say is that not only is YouPorn exactly what it purports to be, but as soon as you sign yourself into the home page by attesting that you turned 18 back in the Carter administration, you’re walloped by explicit hardcore action, graphic and in 25 different variations. No coy come-ons, no requests for a credit card number before you can check out the goodies, just lots of xxx-rated videos front and center.
I’m pretty sure that not all the actors and actresses are amateurs, but all are welcome to upload their own bedroom films. And that’s what I’m here to tell you, as if you weren’t old enough to make this wise decision on your own: Don’t.
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Along with this exclusive column for MORE.com, Satran offers additional up-to-the-minute tips at hownottoactold.com.
Check out Satran’s hilarious book, How Not to Act Old.
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