How Not to Act Old with Celebrities

Still lusting after Brad and George? Look out, your age is showing.

By Pamela Redmond Satran • Guest Writer
Photograph: Photo by Theodore Wood.

DON’T CREAM OVER CLOONEY — The guys who make us older babes cream our panties are not the same as the ones who turn on the younger set. Liam, George, Brad, Will, Bruce, Clive — oh God, Clive — may look great to us, but younger women think they’re just crusty.  So what’s the answer: To try and get turned on by Zac and…..oh, I guess they’re all named Zac. Never mind. Just keep your old crushes to yourself.

DON’T ADMIT YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF AUDRINA, LEIGHTON, PENN, GINNIFER or BAR — Look at the cover of celebrity magazines and have no clue who any of those people are? True, they may be the "stars" of reality shows or this week’s teen drama or simply of a one-night stand with a real celeb. But acting like the magazine is the one with the problem will not make you seem cooler or younger. If you can’t stand to actually follow the shows or even buy the rags, at least bring yourself up to date online every month or two.

DON’T ACT SHOCKED THAT MADONNA IS 50.  OOOPS, SHE'LL BE 53 ON AUGUST 16 — You may think it’s remarkable that Madonna can jump all over the stage like that, and think she looks pretty damn amazing. But to anybody not-old, Madonna may look positively wizened.

DON’T BE OUTRAGED BY OUTRAGEOUS YOUNG HOLLYWOOD — Drugs, tattoos, going commando. having multiple babies outside of marriage and multiple affairs inside it: These are all par for the course in young Hollywood. But acting shocked by it is like Granny being scandalized by Debbie Reynolds’ divorce or that nice Rock Hudson turning out to be gay.

DISCOVER SOME "NEW" STARS YOUR OWN AGE — Two of the most inspiring recent performances were by not-young stars: Philippe Petit’s Oscar-winning documentary Man on Wire and Patti Smith’s great covers album Twelve.  Celebrating mature celebrities who are adventurous and forward-thinking — who don’t act old — is the best way not to act old yourself.

Other celebs who take chances and defy conventions of what they “should” be doing at whatever age: Meryl Streep, Goldie Hawn, Jen Aniston, Whoopi Goldberg, Holly Hunter. Have I missed anyone? Comment below.

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Along with this exclusive column for, Satran offers additional up-to-the-minute tips at

Check out Satran’s hilarious book, How Not to Act Old.

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First Published Sat, 2009-08-01 12:22

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