Anyone who is not in a coma or on life support knows that being alive is no easy task. So, at any given moment, the urge to kvetch, bitch, complain, or whine to anyone who’s close enough to still love you when you’re done, is a real possibility for those of us who were born with the kvetching gene.
Kvetching or complaining is an art that needs to be cultivated in order to be appreciated. No one really likes a complainer, but if done in the right way, you can dump a load off your mind and your victims will be none the wiser. Accept the fact that kvetching can be fetching and bitch to your heart’s content.
When life is coming at you in full force and you feel as if you are about to explode, lighten your load by finding humor in all that seems grim. Details of your horrific experience should be embellished with graphic exaggerations, hand gestures, and sarcasm as you attempt to entertain and lessen your own pain by unburdening your psyche to friends, family members, and even strangers on a bus.
You will be seen as amusing and entertaining as you let out your hostilities and frustrations without being perceived as a whiney, pathetic mal content who never has any good luck. You may even find that you are purposely putting yourself in uncomfortable situations just to get a good story out of it – just make sure that the uncomfortable situation isn’t potentially fatal, as this will prevent you from sharing.
The traffic jam is not a particularly amusing subject, but friends reminded me of how creativve and even humorous sitting in stagnatinng traffic on the Ventura Freeway could be as the story was relayed of how they got out of their stopped car and walked across five lanes of non-moving traffic to get a McDonald’s hamburger only to find upon their return that everyone’s vehicle were in the same spot.
Exercise can be fun and enjoyable and at the same time vigorous and torturous, causing you to moan, groan, and want to complain to just about anyone who happens to catch your eye. But, instead of the usual whining about how grueling your workout was, create a dialogue announcing how much fun the class was despite the fact that you expect to be crawling to the bathroom tomorrow and will probably need to be using crutches for a few days. After you’ve hobbled to your car and are crying your eyeballs out while driving home to your loving family who will be lying on the couch expecting you to be chipper while serving them dinner, limp into your home with a strange half smile on your face and say, "hi everyone – as you can see, exercise has completely incapacitated me, so you guys are on your own tonight – bonn appetite!"
Let’s say that it’s unbearably hot outside and your air conditioning at work has been broken for a week. Instead of the usual bitching, moaning, whining, and groaning, you could announce that you’re probably going to come to work in your bathing suit tomorrow or worse case scenario, you could say, "I just might have to put on my birthday suit and if that doesn’t get the air conditioner repaired pronto, we’ll all just have to roast in hell."
I can say from personal experience that there is nothing funny about someone cutting you off on a highway and so the road rager in you will surely want to get even and teach this irresponsible maniac a lesson. So, back in the day when I had a little more testosterone than I do now, I was dutifully speeding by no more than five miles per hour on my way to work, when out of nowhere this insane driver cut me off. Well, this had to be dealt with immediately or I would not have been able to function for the rest of the day. So, naturally I accelerated into vigilante mode as I swerved into the next lane and then cut in front of the lunatic driver, while simulaneously thrusting my third finger into the air as I recited a litany of obscenities.
The irate driver was now on my tail as I exited the highway. Now I was getting nervous. Not only did the unstable driver follow me off the highway exit, but I had been followed directly into the driveway where I worked. I figured my life was about to be over, when I noticed that the maniacal driver was one of my fellow workmates – a lovely, even tempered girl who wouldn’t kill an ant. So, rather than moan, whine, and bitch about the incompetence of drivers gone wild, we laughed for weeks as we rehashed the story and I thought twice before acting on my vigilante instincts again.
Try to find humor in all that enrages and you just might be referred to as that hilarious person who tells the funniest stories as opposed to that crotchety moaner who whines and complains. I am truly looking forward to my next negative encounter so I can embellish, exaggerate, and entertain my next unsuspecting victim while ridding myself of stress and frustration.