Twas a night like any other, at home in my house
Awakened by the noise of my loud snoring spouse.
Him, sound asleep, not a concern or a worry.
Me, plotting his demise, and the story I’d tell the jury.
The children all grown, sound asleep they did rest
Apparently unaware of my longing for an empty nest.
Tossing and turning, sleep did not come.
I watched the hours on the clock as they passed one by one.
Exhausted I found sleep, despite all the clatter
When suddenly I was awakened by a completely different matter.
Throwing off the covers and loosening my sash,
“Oh my gosh are you kidding? Was that a HOT FLASH?”
I sprang from my bed to the bathroom I did go
Unsteady on my feet, I cursed as I stubbed my toe.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a vision of which I did not quite prepare.
It came without warning, symptom or cause
I knew in a moment that it must be Men O’Pause.
More rapid than jet planes, the mood swings they came,
And I fussed and I cussed as I called them by name.
“Now, Sweaty! Now, Droopy! Now, Teary and Witchy!
On ,Sappy! On, Crappy! On,Crampy and Bitchy!”
From the top of my head, to the tips of my toes,
Does anyone give a damn about all of my woes?
Wanting to laugh, but starting to cry
In the stillness of the night, wondering why.
Of this one thing,
I absolutely knew…
It had happened to my girlfriends and now it was happening to me too.
Leaning over the vanity for a closer inspection
Who was this stranger I spied in the reflection?
As I drew forth my head and studied my face
My youthful appearance there was not a trace.
Dressed all in flannel from neck down to toe
My former buns of steel looked more like the dough.
A dimpling of flab on my thighs in the back
And the veins on my legs resembled an obstacle track.
My forehead how it creases, my eye brows are growing bare.
My cheeks have adult acne and there’s graying of my hair.
I’ll take comfort with my girlfriends; they’ll know just what to do.
Together we’ll rise above this, and we’ll help one another through.
We’ll share our horror stories of the thief who came in the night,
Who brought us raging hormones and took away our sight.
We’ll warn our fellow sisters of this menacing lil’ elf
For we wouldn’t have believed it had we not experienced it for ourself.
In a blink of an eye and the twist of a head
Just when you thought you were safe in your bed
He’ll speak not a word, but go straight to his work
No magic pill or potion will protect you from this jerk.
Botox injections and collagen for our lips
Miracle bras to raise us and spandex for our hips.
We’ll strap on our heels, head straight to the mall
To the fountain of youth serums, we will gladly buy them all.
And you’ll hear us exclaim as we drink through the night
You may have won the battle, but you will not win the fight!