How Not to Act Old on Valentine's Day

Tips to avoid "dating" yourself this year.

By Pamela Redmond Satran • Guest Writer
Photograph: iStockPhoto

DON’T SKIP CELEBRATING
Perhaps you’re all too tempted to ignore Valentine’s Day: By now, you’ve got nothing to prove to Cupid (much less your husband) and, P.S., you’ve got a big job and—who knows if you’ll need to work late that evening? But, trust us, giving the holiday a total pass can make you feel distressingly over the hill.

So if you really don’t have the time on February 14th, take a tip from the young: Tristan Coopersmith, coauthor of Menu Dating, who says that she and her fiancĂ© decided to take the pressure off by declaring V-Day a roving holiday, subject to celebration wherever and whenever one of them decrees it. In other words, feel free to profess your love on that Particularly Boring Wednesday in March or any other time you happen to be in the mood for a little erotic pick-me-up. But even if you choose to make whoopee on St. Patrick’s Day, these guidelines will still apply.

SAY NO TO CANNED SENTIMENT
Letting someone else express your feelings (i.e., a greeting card) screams old. Stick it to the industry by making your own hand-glittered card or handwriting a love letter (which is retro, not old). Or show some 21st-century soul with an individualized tumblog (look it up) or a sweet tweet: 140 affection-filled characters.

REMEMBER: IT’S THE SEX, STUPID As time wears on and relationships mature (cue ponderous PBS voice and a visual of a lumbering rhinoceros couple), some of us narrow our celebration to a ritual dinner at an overpriced, overcrowded restaurant. Yet a couple of steaks, a bottle of red and a Baked Alaska later, you won’t be good for much more than being rolled—burping and bulging—straight to bed. Grab something light and less conventional instead—sushi, maybe, or tapas. Then put all your energy into creating a tender, romantic, loving, sensual evening that says, “All we need is each other—and maybe Viagra, Astroglide and a little soft porn.”

DON’T LET HIM PLAN THE EVENING
Just because you roasted the damn Thanksgiving turkey, bought every freaking present for the holidays (including his mother’s) and coordinated the New Year’s Eve party completely by yourself is no reason to turn the night over to him. That’s how you’ll wind up stuffing yourself at Le Pretentious Inn, pretending to like the red roses (just another way of saying, “Yes, we’re old”), all while feeling guilty because you couldn’t think of anything to get him (besides, you know, that blow job).  

AVOID AVOIDING LINGERIE
Trotting around in a lacy underthing is one tradition no generation should be quick to scrap. You do, however, want to beat him to the purchasing punch—or risk receiving something too scanty, too sheer or too ridiculous to actually wear. While you’re at the store, pick him up a pair of silk bikinis, or boxers with hearts and kisses on them. Why should you be the only one lookin’ silly for love?

Want more How Not to Act Old? Click below! . . .

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How Not to Act Old in Bed

How Not to Act Old On a Diet

How Not to Act Old at the Beach

How Not to Act Old With Celebrities

How Not to Act Old On Facebook

How Not to Act Old On Twitter

How Not to Act Old: Hot-Flash Special

How Not to Act Old With Emoticons

How Not to Act Old: Nostalgia Edition

How Not to Act Old: Men's Edition

How Not to Act Old with a Younger Man

Does This Cocktail Make Me Look Old?

How Not to Act Old On YouPorn

How Not to Act Old: Dying--So Not Cool!

How Not to Phone Old

How Not to Act Old: Greatest Hits

Check out Satran’s hilarious book, How Not to Act Old.

Pam’s How Not to Act Old blog

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First Published Tue, 2010-01-19 11:51

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http://www.more.com/entertainment/humor/how-not-act-old-valentines-day