I am no expert in the dating or soul mate thingie, because I have made more
mistakes in relationships and marriage than Elizabeth Taylor
had husbands, or King Solomon had wives and Concubines. However what I have learned has been the best way for me and I pray for others too. My stumbling block has become my stepping stone to encourage women of all ages. I share my mistakes (mountains of them) and how marvelous it is to surrender your life to Christ, allow him to love you, learn to like who he has made them to be, not to compromise who you are as his daughter, and to wait on him to bring the right mate.
This is a story of my mistakes and growing up at the age of 46 and finding REAL love at the tender age of 53. He is an Idaho Potatoe Head, and I a Mississippi Cotton Picker (for real).
French vanilla meets soy mocha (we are Seattleites what can I say).
Prior to meeting my husband, I had made a firm decision not to date
anyone, that is until I met the man I would marry. By no dating I mean
non, nada, nunya, not a snow balls chance on a Mississppi hot day
would I go out with anyone. My reasoning for this was because after running all over the place with this guy, that one, and marrying 3 men who were self absorbed tool boxes, abusers, & womanizers I was sick and tired of me (you could say my picker broken).
I found that I didn't value myself at all, nor did I
know how too at this lovely age. You see I
had been raped at the age of 14, and violated by a family member. Shall I say my self
worth was in the cesspool firmly before the age of 18, I was damaged goods.
However I was not aware that I was until my middle 40's (duhhh, ya think).
My innocence was taken and in many ways I was stuck emotionally at the age of 14.
I was very adult in being a wife and mother. I took good care of the spouses and 3
of the 4 boys before and after divorcing (The oldest lived with my mother in
Mississippi most of his life). I was very grown up but yet very child
like. Neither marriages gave me the love I so desperatly craved, because the spouses were as broken
as I was. The normal saying is that opposites attract, however quite the contrary.
Like attracts to like, spirit knows spirit. Here is an example; "when you place a magnet one
in each hand, spread your hands far apart, start to close your hands together, the magnets
begin to draw themselves together without much of your efforts". I was broken thus I attracted the same type of person to myself. The marriages didn't fulfill me because I was an empty well longing to be filled, therefore the empty well grew deeper and wider because of the physical and emotional abuse.
Fianlly after the break up of my last marriage, I began to wake up and see how messed up I was. You see I had never focused on me nor did I know how. So it was at that point, I said enough is enough. My prayer to God was asking him to help me, keep me, and help me learn to like myself.
My recommitted faith in Christ helped me to stick to what i wanted and needed
and that was time to heal, grow, and become whole. I had never
focused on taking this step. I joined the choir, became a part of
the Intercessory Prayer team, and became a greeter. My focus changed and this was the beginning of
The boys were all gone and I was alone for
the first time in my life. So I asked myself what do I want to be
when I grow up. I wanted to drive a limo, so I did for a year,
enjoyed every second of it and felt proud. My sons seemed to think it was cool. I took
myself out on dates to dinner, movies, and even to the Nut Cracker
performance. I was asked out a few times but I declined. Folk would
make comments such as, "how are you going to meet someone if you don't go out", or "I was mean", or "you scare men because you are too strong". I would
simply say, I know what I want and I will not back away from it even if I have to live alone for the rest of my life. "I will not look for anyone, God will put me in his path".
Six years passed by and I got a bit lonely for the first time. So I
decided to put my profile on a couple of sites. Wrong! Too many predators, so I took it off.
I started to wear hair extensions because I wanted to
feel more attractive (noottt). A lovely couple at church invited me to dinner as
well as a gentleman. It was a lovely dinner and that was it, he went his way
and I went mine. He didn't contact me, and I certainly was not going to contact
him. My value and worth was firmly in place by now. I finally got over my lonliness took
the extensions out, cut my hair really short, and stoped coloring it browns and blondes. I
said whoever I meet is going to like me with or without extensions.
Around the end of April my car died, it went "kaputz". So now instead of driving to the Park & Ride to take the bus I would have to take the bus from my home. This meant walking to the street where I would take the bus from one P & R to the other to get to work (hated it). Our transit system Metro has what it calls a shake up every 2 months or so, and it was time at the end of May.
The new driver was to start after the weekend.
Monday rolled around and we had what I thought was the new
driver, but turns out he did not start until the next day. On Tuesday we had the new driver who would not pull forward to let us get on early. It was still cold out and the previous driver would let us get on to keep warm. So we thought the new driver would do the same but he did not because he was taking his break. So myself and a couple other ladies were going to tell him about it. When I stepped upon the bus to tell him about himself along with the others,
before we could finish he had us all laughing. He and I hit it off
instantly. He would leave the base early just so we could talk during
his break. The first week I did not go to work on Wednesday because I
was Ill. Little did I know that he also drove the 1st bus that I
needed to get to the park and ride where I thought his route started. He did not know that I would be on his bus on that following Wednesday, nor did I know he was my driver. That was a pleasant surprise for the both of us, however neither of us said anything about it until later on.
So I would see him 3 times a week for about 20 minutes. The connection
between he and I was that of old friends catching up on life. One day he asked me what was an important question to him. He asked "if I met someone I was attracted to, would I ask him out". Little did I know how my answer would affect him and what his desire had been for a long time. I sat up straight crossed my leg with my pointy heels, and said "no I will not, because it's he that finds a wife not she". I also said "I will not ask someone out but what I will do is formally invite you to church". I extended the invitation only once and didn't mention it again. I firmly declared my faith and that I didn't lay and play. I also made it known to him that I had been celebate for almost 6 1/2 years. He later said these words caused him to take notice.
Thursdays were the end of the week for our seeing each other. I would think about him on Friday but by Saturday I would put him out of my mind on purpose because I had full
charge of my feelings and did not want anything from him other than a
friendship, I was a scaredy cat. By Sunday night I would think about him more and was
excited for Tuesday to roll around because I would get to see him again for 3
days. Neither of us asked for the other's phone number, to give them, nor did we ask each other's name. I had suspicions as to why he didn't ask what my name was and I was correct. Finally one
Thursday when I walked upon the bus he said "hi Southern my name is Roger, and I said hi Roger my name is Beverly". He gave me his business card with his number and another for
me to write mine on (nearly 3 months had past). I had not been at work 3 hours before he texted me
a sweet message which scared the crap out of me. I thought to myself
"this dude got issues". Needless to say we talked that Thursday night
for 6 hours, we spent the entire weekend talking on the phone like
school kids. I felt like a teenager having the time of my life. I of
course was nervous and really tried to get him to go out with someone
else but he wouldn't. During one of our phone conversations, he says to me "maybe I'll go to church with you on Sunday." He was true to his word because he was ready and had been wanting to find a church home. My church family had him under a microscope. They could see what I couldn't, but of course they liked what they saw in him. Finally the boy test from my sons. The middle child met him first, he liked him and that's a plus because he doesn't like anyone. The youngest met him next but gave him the dagger look as though he was looking into his soul and saying "if you heart my mama I will kill you". This one waited before giving his approval. The second oldest met him and approved (whewuuuuu, sweatin here)he is married to the same woman for 11 years. All of these eyes were safety and wisdom for me. He has yet to meet the eldest.
Our relationship grew from a wonderful
friendship such as I have never had with any man to a romance like
that of an old romantic movie. He truly courted and honored me and my 6 1/2 years of
celibacy by vowing that he would never dishonor me by trying to sleep with me. This vow was kept until we were married on March 11, 2011 of which he had never done previously. We have been married now for 14 months and we have an awesome fun time with each other. We realize
being in Christ, developing a friendship, being honest with one another, and remaining
celibate was THE best. We laugh a lot, wrestle and simply enjoy what God has blessed us with and realize without him it wouldn't be possible. Our latter days are far better than the former. No marriage is perfect but I have been blessed with the perfect guy for me.
We both made so many mistakes during our life time, but God has turned our mistakes into stepping stones
The best thing I have ever done is to wait on God, and allow him to keep me because I wanted to be kept. I still
proclaim there is no human on this earth who can love you or take care of you like God can.
Beverly (Roger) Wilkinson