So! You think you’ve got problems? Your boyfriend/girlfriend dumped you? Got divorced? Raising teenagers? Not getting along with your boss/co-workers? All of that seems like a snap compared to getting older!
Here are just a few things that you have to look forward to:
Hair. On most folks, it starts to thin as one ages. On some folks it just falls out altogether! Trust me, on a woman, “Bald is NOT beautiful”!
Next come the gray hairs. (Never sure whether it’s spelled “grey” or “gray.”) Anyway, back to the gray hair. On men, well let’s just say that it makes them look distinguished. Classical. Wisdom abounds from their very being, somewhat akin to an aura of knowledge! The “all seeing, all knowing one.” On women, it makes us look OLD! Yep! That’s it ladies, just O-L-D!!!
Moving a little lower, we encounter the face. Did you know that your ears and nose continue to grow throughout your lifetime? Great! So now what?! I’m a gray-haired old woman who looks like a bad imitation of Prince Charles and Dumbo?!
But, I digress. I was talking about the face. We begin to see wrinkles. Small and unassuming at first. Then, one morning you gaze into the mirror. Holy mackerel! I look into the mirror and see my grandmother staring back at me! I didn’t even get to experience the softening of my features, the sweetness of my mother’s face.
Nope! I jumped right straight into grandma! Now, mind you, my Grandmother was a beautiful woman, I’m just sayin’. Small creases near my eyes and lines I have heard referred to as “laugh lines” have become chasms that could substitute for the Grand Canyon! And what in the Hell happened to my mouth?! I look like I’ve been sucking on a lemon! Is this where the phrase “butt lips” comes from? Why is my lipstick getting sucked into these ravines around my entire mouth making me look like a demented clown with Parkinson’s?
Having a good time yet? Well, the fun doesn’t stop there! Check out your eyes. Look quick! Before they get completely covered by those huge sagging bags that reside between your lashes and brows.
Oh! There’s more.
Remember your thinning hair? Well, it didn’t really go away, it just found a new place to sprout. Yep! The shit is now growing all over your face! Your inner caveman is about to appear. It doesn’t matter that you are a woman, The Caveman Cometh!
Your once shapely, defined eyebrows are now becoming a unibrow. Yep! There appears to be a large caterpillar riding upon your forehead right above your eyes! Oh, and by the way. You no longer have eyelashes… gone! Yep. Just gone.
And what the heck is that?
I have nose hairs? No!My father has nose hairs! I am not supposed to have nose hairs! It looks like someone stuffed a tumbleweed into each nostril! This is just great.
I have now acquired a new tool to put into my beauty arsenal. A nose-hair trimmer.
Yes, for those who do not know, it’s like a mini weed-wacker for your nose. Buzzzz. Shit! Buzzzz. Ouch! Buzzzz. (Well, at least you can always tell when I’m using it.)
O.K., that’s done! But, just when you think you’re safe —Sprong!
What the heck? A hair, nay! A mustache suddenly appears!
Sprong! Sprong! Sprong! I have more facial hair than my husband does!! O.K., get out the tweezers. Shoot! Ouch! Damn it!
And, just when you think you’re done and have removed all excess hair from your nose, brow, mustache and chin, you see IT!
Holy Crap! How long has that been there? A four-inch hair is growing out of your not-yet-mentioned double chin!
Great! How many people saw it before I did? Dear, God! Now I spend the next 10 minutes wondering who saw it, and if they told anyone else and how many people I’m going to have to kill to keep this quiet!
Remember all of those glorious, carefree days that, as young girls, we spent soaking up the sun and having fun? Well, get ready because that’s about to come back and bite you in the butt!
It starts as a small freckle. Hmm, you say as you gaze into the mirror. Then you notice another and another! And then one more! And they keep getting bigger! Suddenly you feel as though you are looking at an Appaloosa! (Side Note: Nothing, not Clinique, L’Oreal, Avon, Oil of Olay, Revlon or even Mary Kay will help. Not unless you can purchase these items in a 55 gallon drum in which to soak your entire body.)
Again, it does not stop here. We go forth from sun-kissed beauties and morph into something with skin resembling fine Corinthian Leather. Ahh! To have such coverage of the upholstery in my car would look amazing and last forever!
We now slip down to the neck. Seriously?! This just keeps getting better and better. Your once swanlike neck has been replaced by a wattle. Better known as turkey neck!
And why in the hell is my chin now connected to my collarbones? Where there once was a defined jawline, is now jowls that melt into my collarbones making me appear to be somehow related to Jabba the Hut!
If by now you have not committed suicide, I shall continue.
You’re still reading this, aren’t you? O.K., O.K., moving along.
Ah! We have come to the junction of the chest and arms. Which to cover first? Hmmm.
Let’s go with the arms! Those once, proudly displayed, finely muscled appendages that we loved to show off wearing sleeveless blouses, tank tops and little strapless dresses, have morphed into flabby, sagging, pendulous underarm “kite-like” wings, making us look, for all intent purposes, like flying squirrels!
Not a pretty sight when waving goodbye, and sadly, they keep moving long after you’ve stopped waving!
O.K., so now we switch to long-sleeved blouses in an effort to cover these monstrosities from public view.
Traveling further down the arm we pass by the abysmal crags called elbows. There is not enough lotion in the world to soften them, so we’ll just move along.
Ah! The Hands! Those once-so-diminutive hands. Jeezus! More age spots!
And why in the hell are all of those veins sticking out of the backs of my hands? Looks like a bad map of some small, underdeveloped country! And why are all of my fingers starting to turn and bend into positions once thought impossible to achieve??
(Kind of reminds me of those coin operated machines just inside almost every store in America, “The Claw!”)
And, just try putting nail polish on those babies! Not an easy task when they’re all pointing in different directions! We’ve spent enough time here, so let’s move back up the arms, across the bat wings and over to the chest.
Frack! What in the heck happened to my boobs? Those once proud and perky orbs are now drooping and pendulous. They look like two cantaloupes dropped into a pair of pantyhose! (Note: Substitute any other fruit to conform to your particular size.)
Gravity is not your friend, my ladies!
Remember when you could go braless? Well, not anymore! Now we have been blessed with another attribute — sock boobs.
Yep! Ya just roll ‘em up like a pair of socks and stuff um in your bra. And, please! For the love of God! Get a bra that fits! Nobody wants to see 12 inches of cleavage!
Oh! And there is another new development. Your boobs, which now appear to look like two-day-old water balloons, no longer point toward the ceiling when you lay down. They slip quickly to your underarms resembling water wings.
One minute you have soft firm skin, and the next, crepe! Oh, come on! You know what I’m talking about. You wake up and look at yourself, and it looks as though you’re entire body is wrapped in crepe paper! Wet crepe paper!
Is there no relief to this torture? Well, kinda. Your now pendulous boobs are not all that bad! When you take your bra off at night, you can dust off the tops of your shoes without bending over!
Cold? Throw them over your shoulders and wrap them around your neck. Tah-dah! Instant scarf!
Wanna take a bath? Use one to plug the drain and soap up the other to scrub your back!
May as well have fun with ‘em cause they ain’t goin’ away. My God! My waist has gotten huge!
Oh, wait. My boobs blended into my waist. Here, let me get them out of the way.
Oh! There’s my waist or what’s left of it.
It really is true what they say, as you age, it’s harder to loose weight cause by then your fat and your body have become really good friends. (By the way, does anybody know who “they” are?? “They” seem to know an awful lot, but no one knows who “they” are. Again, I’m just sayin’.)
Hips — A derivative of the word “hippo.” When looking at one’s aging hips, words like saddlebags or two angry raccoons in a sack fighting to get out, or just “Oh My God! Get Out of the Way!” come to mind.
That cute perky little butt of yesteryear is now a huge cushion that rumbles along behind you with such force that it frightens small children. Hell, if it's big enough, it’ll frighten everybody!
Ladies, for God’s sake, never, and I mean NEVER look over your shoulder into the bathroom mirror when you have just stepped out of the shower!
(Safety Warning: If you plan on doing the above mentioned, the Surgeon General recommends removing all razors and sharp objects from the immediate vicinity before proceeding.)
Holy Crap! OMG! “What the hell is THAT?,” you scream. You will notice, on closer examination (..and you will look. It’s kinda like a car accident. You know that you shouldn’t slow down and look, but you can’t help it.)
Anyway, upon closer examination, you notice that your butt now resembles a set of Siamese twin-like watermelons covered in orange peel. And it’s sagging, bringing to mind Dorothy throwing a bucket of water on the wicked witch of the west, while she screams, “I’m melting, melting.”
And to add insult to injury: It’s fish-belly white! Argh. Pluck the eyes from my head. That is a visual that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Now you know why PROZAC was developed.
The next part is an easy conversion because we just slide right on down to “thunder thighs.”
Oh, Dear God! These things rumble along with you wherever you go. If you wear corduroy while jogging, you can start a fire! Who needs “survivor man” rubbing two sticks together? We have corduroy! He is no match for plus sized thighs in corduroy! Vooba, Vooba, Vooba, fire! Yep! Works every time!
You’re still here? A real glutton for punishment, aren’t you? O.K. We’re almost done.
Calves, ankles and feet. Eeeeewwww.
You may notice that the hair on your legs has lightened a bit and that you no longer have to shave them as often. This is because the growth of leg hair has slowed down, enabling you to devote more time to your newly acquired moustache and goatee.
Your calves have now slipped, ever so gracefully, right down into your ankles, developing what is now referred to as “cankles.” Just great.
This means that there is now no discernable separation between your calves and ankles. Wonderful.
What the heck?! What are all of these tiny veins sticking out like a miniature spider web on my ankles? And why are they blue? Is this your body, in a last ditch attempt, trying to make a fashion statement? What, blue goes well with almost everything?
And just when you think it can’t get any worse, you notice your feet.
If, and I do mean IF, you are still lucky enough to be able to bend over your own belly fat, you may be able in some small way, to make them at least presentable by giving yourself a pedicure.
Sand off the heel crags. This may take the use of your husband’s Industrial heavy-duty portable sander. Anyway sand off the crags that have developed on your heels, massage the corns and bunions that have developed over the years from wearing those insanely high “CFM” heels or the “nosebleed,” six-inch stilettos.
Reach down and clip the eagle-like talons that were once your toenails on those cute little piggies.
Who are we kidding? They now resemble fat little link sausages. So! There you have it! Yes, I know. I’ve left out some of the really choice topics — The fact that you can now sneeze, fart and pee, all at the same time. Menopause, hot flashes, night sweats, varicose veins. But these are things that one can’t explain; they have to be experienced!
Oh. And you will experience them. So go forth my young friend! Live life to the fullest! Quick! Time’s a waistin’!