Hope for a Sexual Dud?

What to do when the guy is great, but the sex isn’t.

By Sherry Amatenstein, LMSW

Hope for a Sexual Dud? Q. This is a bit awkward, but having been in a monogamous relationship for 30 years with someone who thinks missionary is code for wildly creative, I am upset that the first guy I’ve met post-divorce who attracts me is equally unimaginative in bed. But I do like this man and there is definitely chemistry between us. Is there hope for a sexual dud? — Rose A. You’re coming off 30 years of boring matrimony with Mr. Missionary. Dull sex may be a snooze fest, but it boasts at least one appealing trait — familiarity. According to Dr. Judy Kuriansky, "The lack of creativity shown by your boyfriend is something you’re comfortable with. There’s no threat. A long-term pattern is being repeated." Adds the author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating, 3rd Edition, "This new man is a mirror of where you’re at. It’s up to you to explore and free yourself from the old conditioning. It’s not so much about changing this new man as allowing yourself to change."And like a tango, good sex is a takes two proposition. Make adding the sizzle a mutual project. Mark A. Michaels, co-author of Tantra for Erotic Empowerment: The Key to Enriching Your Sexual Life, suggests, "You can work on expressing your needs and desires more explicitly and in a way that is encouraging and supportive, not undermining. Reframe the situation. Ask, ‘What can we do together to improve our sexual encounters?’" If he has potential, his ego will survive and your sex life will thrive.Indulge in sexploration through workshops (there are classes in everything from kissing to kink), DVDs, and erotic toys at sex shops or online at Good Vibrations or Babeland. Sexologist Dr. E. Trina Reed offers, "Men are visual. It’s best to show him what you want — via soft porn and hot movies like Nine and a Half Weeks — than to tell him." Babeland Good Vibrations Dr. E. Trina Reed If your guy prefers to maintain his status as competitor for Least Imaginative Lover of the Year crown, set him free. What’s most important is that you free yourself from the misconception that you’re doomed to a life of boring sex. Rock on!Do you have a tough question about dating or relationships?E-mail Sherry at DatingExpert@More.com and your question might be featured in an upcoming column.E-mail Sherry About Sherry AmatensteinSherry Amatenstein, LMSW, is the author of Love Lessons from Bad Breakups and Q&A Dating Book. She runs dating seminars around the country and does private coaching — not to help singles marry in 60 days, but to uncover their blocks. She has given relationship advice on the Early Show, Regis, Inside Edition, CBS News, VH1, BBC, and many other programs. Her philosophy is that the most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself.Schedule a one-on-one coaching session with Sherry Buy Love Lessons from Bad Breakups Buy The Q&A Dating Book Originally published on MORE.com, February 2008.

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