"When they asked me to do small favors, I refused." The 44-year-old Miami optometrist explains, "It wasn’t fun to see my emotional lack of generosity, but it was a blessing to cop to my role in the demise of every relationship I’d ever undertaken!"After you’ve spotted your past mistakes, it’s time to start again. Barash continues, "You’ve got to create your own reality. Approach the search for the right man much as you did raising a child or forging a career. There’s nothing magical about it." First comes the goal; then the work necessary to achieve it.Now Claire Lindsay is a walking advertisement for this straightforward, drama-free approach — and she’s through with commitmentphobes. "Once I decided what I actually wanted, I went after it instead of passively hoping the right guy would find me. I approached dating as a job hunt — pursuing every lead, no matter how slim. I broke one of my cardinal rules: blind dates are for losers." Her first (and last) set-up resulted in marriage to a man who her shallower, younger self would have rejected in half a heartbeat. She says happily, "Guess you could say I’m lucky in love!"Do you have a tough question about dating or relationships?E-mail Sherry at DatingExpert@More.com and your question might be featured in an upcoming column.E-mail Sherry About Sherry AmatensteinSherry Amatenstein, LMSW, is the author of Love Lessons from Bad Breakups and Q&A Dating Book. She runs dating seminars around the country and does private coaching — not to help singles marry in 60 days, but to uncover their blocks. She has given relationship advice on the Early Show, Regis, Inside Edition, CBS News, VH1, BBC, and many other programs. Her philosophy is that the most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself.Schedule a one-on-one coaching session with Sherry Buy Love Lessons from Bad Breakups Buy The Q&A Dating Book Originally published on MORE.com, November 2007.