Wrinkles and the Younger Man

Embrace your age with confidence and he will, too.

by Maggie Arana & Julienne Davis
Photograph: iStock

Maggie Arana & Julienne Davis, authors of Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex, reassure us that when it comes to love, age ain’t nothing but a number.

You’re worried because he’s younger. We all know worrying never helps anything—especially in the case of dating a younger man. You shouldn’t be focusing on negative thoughts. Thoughts like: “I’m not as fit as he is. Can he see my wrinkles? My cellulite? My stretch marks? Every time I look at an attractive woman who’s younger than me, I worry a little that he’s going to trade me in for her, or someone like her. And what will happen when I really start looking old?”

Be positive and look at why he chose you in the first place. You are interesting and fascinating to him. He thinks you are hot. He admires your wit, your intelligence, and yes, your experience. So, when was age mentioned here?

Exactly. It wasn’t.

The more you focus on your age, the more he will focus on your age. What you need to be thinking about is the great aspects of you: your life, your interests, and all of what makes up who you are that is wonderful. In our book, Stop Calling Him Honey…and Start Having Sex!, we have a chapter called “Stay Separate to Stay Together.” In it we discuss how important it is to maintain who you are in a relationship and how many of us lose ourselves within a partnership. We end up becoming two halves of a whole, rather than remaining two whole separate people that come together in a partnership. That is a true partnership. Anything less is co-dependency.

Obsessing about being older is not you being a whole, independent and confident person. He compliments you, but he doesn’t complete you. And if you are with him because of the ego boost you get from “dating a younger guy,” or because you are trying to “cling to your youth” by doing youthful activities that you don’t feel confident enough to do on your own, then you may want to rethink things. If you want to go out and go surfing, or clubbing, or whatever it is, then do it!  You don’t need to cling to someone else’s youth as an excuse to do these things.

Go out and have the confidence to do whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself. It’s fabulous that he is full of life, and the fact that he’s young and hot is a bonus, a mere compliment to your already full life. The focus for both of you needs to be who you are as people underneath it all – having nothing to do with the chronological years. After all, any true relationship should be experienced on a deeper more intimate level than having it be about age. So, if you are with him because he’s young, and you love running around boasting to all your girlfriends that you “have a toy boy,” then maybe you need to look at why you are with him. Are you being ageist? Because if that is the case, then is it no wonder that you are obsessing about the fact that you are “older” than he?

If the relationship is truthful, you should love him for the person he is, and you should love yourself for who you are, right now. Not who you were 10 or 20 years ago. Love yourself for all that you are: your age, your experience…your wisdom. You’ve made it this far and you need to feel good about that. Wrinkles, age spots, cellulite… does it really matter? Embrace yourself with confidence, and he will too.

Single? Check our MORE Dating here.


First Published December 9, 2010

Share Your Thoughts!


T 09.11.2011

Good article, I hope more women that are dating younger guys are reading this!
As a younger man dating an older woman (I'm 24, she's 40) I can relate to this. Although my girlfriend is usually confident about herself, there have been times where she has been unsecure about her own body. Just as the article states, she has mentioned that she feels very "unfit" compared to me. She admits that she loves my toned body, and that I'm going to the gym nearly everyday and keeping my diet healthy to achieve and maintain a toned/ripped body but at the same time she has asked me if I think it's unfair that it's only me that puts so much effort into looking good. She keeps healthy and do some running and walking, but she doesn't go to the gym to "sculpt" her body.
But you know what? I really love her the way she is. She has some pounds extra, but it looks really good on her and just adds to her sexy feminine curves. As for myself just being with her is all the motivation I need to go to the gym and looking good.

d Cambridge04.05.2011

I am 54...in great shape..and I am in a relationship with a 28 year old...granted..he is European. He is cultured, well read, is not into going out and getting drunk and picking up girls like his American Counterparts..he and I have discussed that we are an improbable couple...but we are..and we enjoy each others company. He is smart and funny...I own a business and am very active. What will happen, neither of us knows but right now we are just going for it. My mom said to my sister that he would probably break my heart...and my sister said..how do you know she won't break his?

Linda Green04.01.2011

We can see more and more stars and people have a new kind of love with younger man(older woman)!!! have you ever heard about it !!this may be a fashion one !! I have joined a group which is a group for younger man and older woman !! I have make many friends here!! I also find my love here!! she is 7 years older than me ! I want to say!! when you go to ---cougarconnecting.com---- !! age becomes just a number!!!why not to have a try!!

This is absolutely right on and thank you. You are who you say/think you are and if you're thinking "age" that will manifest. But being engaged in what you love to do/be together and the reasons you're together in the first place is what makes things tick.

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