Marry Again? Nine Reasons Divorced Women Choose Not To

by jill brooke • Member { View Profile }
Photograph: iStock photo

If you take care of yourself, the options increase exponentially. A trim body in either gender is always attractive. Years ago, divorced or widowed women in their 40s, 50s or 60s usually had to date up — to the geriatric ward, where men were often self-centered and bloated; think Danny DeVito on a bad day.

Now fast-forward. Women look so good, it’s hard to know their age. Science not only gives us nifty gadgets like iPhone and Tivo, it delivers long-term beauty. Now, younger men want to be with older women.

If you look up the definition of “cougar,” adjectives like sleek, smart and strong appear. And independent. Cougars pursue a variety of prey. Variety is always good especially when you’ve lived a life being loyal to one person who then either dumps you or disappoints you. In fact, this cat has the greatest range of any wild terrestrial mammal in the Western hemisphere—even wider than the wolf. It’s solitary and doesn’t need to stick around like those herding animals. Nor does a cougar want to stick around, which makes them more appealing. So don’t cringe at the term. Embrace it. Be a cougar. Test the waters. As the men soon discover, experience is its own reward.

5) You’ve matured

Your personality has changed and you are not the kid who was dating way back when. As Dr. Mark Banschick, who runs “The Intelligent Divorce” program in Katonah, New York, says, “If you were awkward, you are less so. If you liked "bad boys" you may pick a different sort today. If you were super conservative, you may choose fun over boredom.” Many of us married resumes or what we thought we should marry. But knowing thyself can be a good thing. We are more self assured, self reliant and conscious of our sexual and spiritual needs.

The key to enjoying this special stage in life is to remember that you carry many roles now as an adult. As Dr. Banschick cautions, “While you may be dating a variety of interesting men, remember to set your ‘second adolescence’ aside when needed.” Your kids still need an adult mother and your job still requires an adult sense of timeliness and responsibility.

6) Divorced women get time off from their kids – a true luxury

Divorced women share a secret. Unlike married couples who have kids 24/7 and can be exhausted from all the domestic responsibilities, divorced women by law must share their kids with their spouse. This allows women to pursue their interests as well as work projects without interruption or guilt. You can stay in bed and read all day, visit friends, shop or spend the night at a boyfriend’s or college pal’s house. Kid-free weekends allow you to experiment and have fun, and make you feel young again.

7) You may not want sex all the time

There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to most men – “don’t” and “stop”—unless they’re used together. After enough sex to last a lifetime, some women are happy to put that self-imposed obligation behind them. Occasional sex—vs. the required two times a week—actually can be more heated and satisfying. Absence can make the heart grow fonder of many things. You now can have sex when you want it, whenever that is.

8) You don’t have to discuss your relationship ad nauseam

How exhausting is it to ask where the relationship is going, or whether your partner cares about the relationship, and then get a grunt or a shrug or a disappointing response. Now you don’t have to ask the question because you aren’t married or interested in getting remarried. Your companion doesn’t have to be Mr. Right; he can be Mr. Right Now.

9) You’re a realist.

Divorced women know the lay of the land. They are savvy to relationship pitfalls and work hard to avoid them. True, they may not have the same financial security, but freedom is priceless. As my divorced friend Debbie says, having the freedom to do whatever, with whomever, whenever is worth every penny of living alone.



Share Your Thoughts!


Elizabeth 11.05.2014

There are so many reasons why I would not remarry. It hasn't even been a year and I'm already regretting the whole thing. I am just plain tired and miserable. 'Why,' you ask? 1) He has mental problems that are a constant strain on our marriage. 2) We cannot save money because of his impulses to spend money. 3) He is hard headed and gets into trouble because he doesn't want to listen. 4) He is unable to get a job because of his criminal past which means we live on one income of like 25,000 a year. 5) Despite doing my best to provide he is always complaining about wanting more. 6) Instead of just biting the bullet with dignity and cutting back on non-essentials around the house, he tells a sad story to his family and friends with the hopes of them giving him money. 7) He is terrible at making decisions. 8) If I want to go out and eat or have fun I have to pay for two people instead of one. 9) It infuriates me when he drops me off at work and then drives off in the car that I paid for to do whatever he wants to do with his day off. 10) His family is very weird and his mom is irritating.

John 11.05.2014

My response:

John 11.05.2014

Interesting perspective. Sort of reminds me of Brené Brown in her first TEDTalk, before she had the ah-ah moment.
After enough sex to last a lifetime, some women are happy to put that self-imposed obligation behind them.
"Enough sex to last a lifetime" seems a bit hyperbolic. I mean, really? That's, of course, what we men think, when our loving wive's begin to become not only less interested in sex, but flat-out a-sexual. But if you're not connecting physically (not just sexual) then I would think something else is amiss. There is no such thing as "enough sex to last a lifetime" but there are different seasons to any relationship.

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