Marry Again? Nine Reasons Divorced Women Choose Not To

by jill brooke • More.com Member { View Profile }
Photograph: iStock photo

Here’s a story that explains why a woman is more likely than a man to end a marriage.

A husband goes to a doctor and says, “Every time my wife and I get into a fight, she gets historical.”

“Don’t you mean hysterical?” asked the doctor.

 “No, “ he replied. “I prefer hysterical. That’s momentary. She gets historical. Reminds me of everything I ever did.”

For women, marital annoyances do pile up, which may explain why the National Marriage Project at Rutgers (http://marriage.rutgers.edu) found that two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. As the director of Blended Families of America and a divorce coach, I’ve noticed that most over-40 divorced women realize they may not remarry. And guess what? They don’t care!

Why?

1) As we age, women are winding up while men are winding down.

Women have spent a lifetime asking everyone else — kids, husband, bosses — what they want. And now they are asking themselves the same question. So whether it’s going back to school, ditching the suburban life for city living, or taking a trek to the Himalayas, divorced women are using their new-found freedom to do what they want, especially if the kids have left home. The empty nest isn’t a syndrome any longer; it’s an opportunity to take flight—literally. Women are less concerned with new companionship than they are in feeling fulfilled spiritually and emotionally. According to a British study from the Yorkshire Building Society, the majority of women reported feeling liberated, relieved, and happy after their divorce and looked forward to a fresh start.

2) Living Apart Can Be Better Than Living Together

It’s fun being a girlfriend. A wife? Not so much. Cooking, housework, juggling multiple schedules is exhausting — and many women feel they were doing it as a solo act giving 90 percent to someone else’s 10 percent. That’s why LAT (Living Apart Together) relationships are so popular. As I explained in a New York Times article, that’s commitment without living together.

There are several benefits to this arrangement: If you’re a divorced mother of young children, you are less likely to be torn between pleasing your new spouse and your kids. Plus, your partners’ kids from other marriages won’t see you as a threat to their inheritance.

 In fact, the biggest reason for second marriage break-ups, according to the Stepfamily Foundation (www.stepfamilyfoundation.com), is because of the kids’ not getting along with their parent’s new love interest and their children—think Chris Evert and Greg Norman. 

When you are together with your boyfriend, it is far more romantic and fun. There is date behavior and marital behavior. And given the choice, most of us would prefer the former. Sometimes, real life gets a little too real.

3)  As Mae West said, I used to be Snow White and then I drifted. Instead of one relationship, post-divorce dating may include many.

In short, women may prefer to date rather than remarry. Dr. Barbara Bartlik, a sex therapist and psychiatrist at New York Presbyterian hospital sees a growing trend of financially secure women preferring to “stay single and date.” They enjoy having their own schedules without having to report to anyone. They embrace the freedom to create environments that reflect their interests and tastes. Nor does this cramp a social life. In fact, 75% of women in their 50s in the AARP study report a serious relationship within two years after their divorces. Just because you don’t marry, doesn’t mean you’re not finding companionship. OK. The relationships may not be worthy of storybook romances but they can be interesting novellas. 

4) You look better than ever and have more options

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