Whether or not you have sex on Saturday, is actually determined by the things you and your partner say and do on Friday (and Thursday, and Wednesday). In my mediation practice, I encounter some individuals ready to have sex anywhere, any time, but for at least one person in the partnership (usually the female), sex isn’t just about sex. It’s about compassion, sensitivity and appreciation.
Here’s some breaking news: In every relationship, there is a natural downhill slide from love-mates to roommates, because the "new" relationship eventually becomes old and we begin to take each other for granted. We neglect each other. We face intimacy hurdles as we put other people first, our jobs first, our children first and our hobbies first. This is the normal state of relationships. But YOU don’t have to accept normal. I want you to strive for extraordinary.
How to you make your relationship better than you ever dreamed possible? First, you have to overcome some intimacy hurdles. Second, you need to include some energizing 30-second love plays in your daily encounters. Here’s a handful of those love plays that you can begin using today. Each one sends the message that "you are important to me" and that’s the start of good love.
A Follow-Up Love Play
When your mate tells you about something that’s going to happen that day, whether it’s a meeting, a doctor’s appointment, or taking your son to a soccer game, make it a top priority to remember to ask your partner later, "How did it go?"
A Keep-in-Touch Love Play
If you and your mate are away from each other during the day and you have access to e-mail or text messaging, send a note saying, "Just thinking about you," "How’s your day going?" or "Looking forward to seeing you later."
A Pitch-In Love Play
Offering to help your partner with tasks (like those in the kitchen) even when you are busy or overwhelmed yourself is a crucial way to say, "I care about you. You are special to me."
An Eyeball-to-Eyeball Love Play
As love becomes a permanent fixture in our lives, we begin to take it for granted. With this love play, speak up and say what you feel, warmly and face-to-face, such as "You’re really important to me. I love you and I’m happy to be with you."
A Body-to Body Love Play
When you walk in the door to your house and your mate is home (or vice versa) how much time passes before you even touch each other? When you and your mate are together, whether you are watching TV, cleaning the kitchen or reading the papers, take a moment to reach out and put your hand on your partner’s back, shoulder or arm. This kind of touch says, "I see you. I hear you and we are connected."
Once you begin using these love plays, tell your mate about them. Ask him or her to join you in the challenge of saying and doing small things that build a huge connection. What partner wouldn’t want that?
Laurie Puhn, JD, is a Harvard-educated family and divorce lawyer-mediator with a private practice is Manhattan, and the author of Fight Less, Love More: 5 Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In. She has appeared as a guest expert on numerous television shows and her advice has been widely published in publications nationwide. She will be speaking at MORE’s Reinvention Convention in New York City on October 18, 2010.