Yes, this is a Satiric Look at School Dress Codes

“I mean, what are they going to tell me next, which side I should part my hair?”

by Lisa Tognola • member { View Profile }
Photograph: iStock

Some school administrators are giving increasing attention to cracks (not the kind in the school system). Principal L. of Joy Kill High says he recently revised the rules to ensure that students come to school dressed appropriately. Students can wear what they please off-campus he explained, but will no longer be allowed to come to school looking unclean, messy or “ like a ho.”

When asked during an on-campus interview the reason for the policy changes, Mr. L. replied, “The girls’ low cut blouses and short skirts are distracting. Just take a look at that student at the drinking fountain wearing a mini skirt. That skirt doesn’t even cover her . . . it doesn’t . . . it . . . .I’m sorry, what was the question?”

The new regulations prohibit any clothing with inappropriate messages, as well as halter-tops, low cut tops, short skirts and low-rise pants that fall below the horizon. Large hoop earrings are not allowed. The new benchmark: hoops are too big if they are large enough to train a medium-sized circus poodle.

Backpack rules have also changed. In efforts to reduce the incidence of dangerous, stolen or illegal goods, all backpacks are to remain in student lockers at all times. Sophomore Lou Pole opposes the backpack policy change. “What am I supposed to do, haul my books to class in a grocery cart?” His solution: to stop using books all together.

“Having all these new rules is lame,” complains Pole. “I mean, what are they going to tell me next, which side I should part my hair?”

For others, the rules have generated confusion. Sheila Blige still doesn’t understand why she was sent home for wearing plaid shorts with a polka-a-dot blouse. Her math teacher insists, “Her mixed patterns interfered with my geometry lesson.”

The dress code committee has listed suitable alternatives, also fitting for: The Royal Wedding, a White House Correspondent’s dinner, and a Tony Bennett concert.

Moore said the school intends to revise the rules as needed. “One student came to school wearing a Lady Gaga style meat dress which technically fell within the guidelines, but the flies were so distracting we had to send the student home.”

Moore added, “We know the rules are rigid, but we can’t allow students to dress in a fashion that distracts from learning.”

As a helpful reminder, the school has posted the new policies on the Internet, which students are free to check via their smart phones during class.


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