Day in and day out in my life, I feel like I pass through unseen. When I say this, I don’t mean that people ignore me when I am in the room or shun me, no, as a matter of fact, people like being around me because I am a nice person and I am fun to be around. The comedian here to tell her jokes.
What I am talking about when it comes down to me voicing my opinions at home or being heard at work on work issues, it is like I have no voice inside of me. Part of it is that I fear speaking my mind out loud. If it is on paper and I am writing about it, it flows like a flood from a river. But when it comes to me speaking up, I have a harder time.
For example: yesterday at work, I called my co-workers together to go over something they have never done before and they are having to do it now because a fellow co-worker is out for surgery. I am the guru in our office when it comes to planning meetings and doing the legal advertisements and I wanted to go over the process with them so that they knew what to do and would not have a hard time.
I started off the meeting and got but a few sentences out and they all got off track and started talking about something else. This happened a few times in the meeting. Instead of me speaking up and saying, “Hey, you guys can discuss that when we have staff meeting tomorrow, but let’s get back to this”, I sat there, feeling like, “Is this how little they think of me to just completely ignore and not give me even the time of day to hear what I have to say?”
I could tell by the looks on their faces that they were just trying to get through the meeting. They wouldn’t take notes and my director was even eating his lunch during my meeting!
After the final time, I just gave up and said, “If you have any questions, just come and see me.” It really hurt my feelings that they would not give me more courtesy than that. I was even given the excuse that they had lots of work to do so let’s get this meeting going but later on, they were all sitting around in the back talking about their pets!
My boss is the biggest problem. I talk but he doesn’t listen and then comes back later asking questions. He never gives me his full attention but he does with others.
It is the same problem at home. I feel like when I do speak up, nobody is taking me seriously. It is almost like they walk by and pat me on the head and say, “Look, she is trying to be a big girl”. I am not sure what has happened or what I have done to get to this point but I want out of it.
I want people to respect my opinions and viewpoints. I want to be able to feel like that I can speak up and say what is on my mind without worrying if I am going to sound stupid because they have really made me start to doubt myself when I open my mouth. Everything I say there is something wrong to it. I mean, how can my boss sit there and tell me how to do legal ads when he has never done them?
I want my voice to be heard and I want to be seen as the smart person that I am, not just the comic relief. If that is all I am to these people then I need to change professions. I spend so much of my time trying to please people and be there at the beck and call that I think now; I have myself in this rut.
What can I do to make them see me? What will it take for them to notice me and see that I am capable of so much more than just giving them a smile and a giggle now and then?
I want my voice to be heard and I want to not be afraid to use it.