I am trying to mentally prepare myself for four hours of work tomorrow. How did everything become so much. I am just comfortable in my apartment alone and hiding away when I feel this way. But the other side of me knows that it is very importable to get out and try to keep living day by day. It seems that I hurt and feel more than other people. (Yes, I did say that.) The feelings make me uncomfortable and open. As if everyone can see into my inner self.
A few wonderful ways this disease has fucked up my life:
Inability to focus on the mundane details of life: getting up to brush my teeth and get dressed, going to work to pay bills is like climbing Mount Everest for me.
I have NO INNER MONOLOGUE! Some of the shit that comes out of my mouth, I’m like “Did I just say that? SOMEONE KILL ME NOW!” You’d think people would just trust me, because I’m so honest, but they don’t, because I forget which things were told to me in confidence and which things weren’t. I have a blabbermouth. I also say inappropriate shit that makes everyone totally uncomfortable sometimes, or just plain comes out the wrong fucking way!
I miss social cues that are totally obvious to everyone else, but completely missed by me!!! I’m a social retard! Oh, everyone thinks it’s GREAT when they first meet me. I’m so funny, open, and outgoing. I’m accepting of other people’s quirks and awkwardness and people are so comfortable around me. But, after being friends with me for two or three years, it gets really old really fast.
I lack attention to detail. I can’t remember much so I won’t attempt to write about it.
Anyway, these are the days when I wish I could just be somewhere other than here, somewhere no one knows me and I can be just me, like on a island alone like a castaway, only I need internet, and cigs! Too many people that I love are aggravated, irritated, or repulsed by me right now. And when I am down, this is when I need HUMAN CONNECTION more than any other time.
Of course, those that just want to “take a break from me” have no idea how badly Trish wishes she could fu*king put a gun to her head and take a break from herself right now, too! But, that’s a permanent solution, so I guess I’m stuck here. Sigh. (Like the rest of you.)
(FYI: The comment bout the gun was just me expressing myself. Nothing more.)
Pffff … this has taken a lot out of me but it does feel good to express myself a bit.
So now what can I do?
Studying the website for work would be the right answer, right ?
Let’s give it a try ...