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Are You Twittering?

I have to be honest. I thought “twittering” was something your ovaries do when they are excited. I just had no clue ...

And it’s frustrating because people in the know ask questions about what I am doing to “push” out there and I ... well, I hate them.

What happened to “build it and they will come”? This I understand. Ning, Digg, StumbleUpon, RSS ... as far as I am concerned, these are names for boats ... and I don’t know what the hell they are.

“Did you get my ‘tweet?’” The first time someone asked me this I thought perhaps they were related to Barbara Walters and had “R” issues. “You sent me a treat?” I responded.

Tell me, what is the past tense of tweet? Did you “twat?” ‘Cause that just sounds wrong.

If you pleasure yourself with a tweet did you twittle?

If you say something clever on Twitter, are you twitty?

If Twitter bores you, do you twittle your thumbs?

Can you reply directly to a tweet? Because I am sure Perez Hilton and John Mayer want to hear from me.

Seriously, is anyone really interested in my updates or is Genesis’ anthem (Phil Collins band, not the Bible) “I will follow you, will you follow me” responsible for anyone who has actually agreed to “follow” me?

Marge (my mother) would love Twitter. It’s the “lojack” she has always wanted for me. I can hear her now, “I love knowing what you are up to at all times.” Sounds good except Marge wouldn’t know a twitter if it bit her in the ass ... by the way, can it do that?

Twuthfully, I too am too old for site optimization, social networking, and colonic cleanses ... and honestly “twix are for kids” ...

But that has never stopped me before ...