30 Funniest Chrissy Teigen Tweets
by Morgan DeBoest
Chrissy Teigen is our queen for many reasons—her food blog, her #goals marriage to John Legend—but we mostly can’t get enough of her no-nonsense, hilarious Twitter feed. She calls out the trash-talkers, posts pics of her hot husband’s butt, and most recently, keeps us posted on her off-the-wall pregnancy cravings. We dug deep to find the best Tweets from the gorgeous model’s feed.
On Career Goals
“I wanna quit everything and develop candy bars”
Pretty sure we think this at least twice a week.
“I am horrifically ballsy in every way except telling a waiter they got my order wrong”
“This tiny baby is an immune system thief and I can’t wait to tell it the second it comes out. We have a lot to discuss, actually”
You tell that baby.
On Choosing Your Battles
“Wow I just learned the hard way that McDonald’s doesn’t serve fries before 10:30? Looks like we have another battle to fight, team”
Please use your powers for good, Chrissy.
On Ordering Pizza
“I have come to realize that at some point in the day, I will order and consume a pizza so it might as well be in the morning”
As long as we’re all being honest.
On Accepting Compliments
“We know you’re great, no need to retweet your compliments just kindly thank the person, buckaroo”
We’ve all come close to saying this to SOMEONE at one point or another.
On Targeted Advertising
“Are Instagram ads tailored to you because mine are all seasonal sadness and Taco Bell”
Ours too, Chrissy. Ours too.
On Artistic Inspiration
“The sound that a dropped Wheat Thin makes is different than anything else. If I were a music producer, these would be my beats.”
Points for creativity.
“I see your laziness, and I raise you ‘Just called reception to find out my room number.'”
We’ve all been there.
On Plastic Surgery Rumors
“don’t u think that if i took the time to get cheek implants i would have also had my jaw shaved down”
No, she hasn’t had work done. And don’t you think she would have told you if she did?
On Taking Things Too Personally
“I’m sorry that my typos hurt you on a personal level.”
Happens to the best of us.
On Her Beauty Routine
“Just tried to take my fake eyelashes off but they were my real eyelashes. Needless to say I now have no eyelashes”
Monday, am I right?
On Faking It
“My whole life is pretending I listened to voice mails, so I get it”
“I always have a note in my pocket that says ‘John did it’ just in case I’m murdered, because I don’t want him to remarry.”
“I like to send John nudes and say, ‘Sorry, wrong person'”
We’re sure he appreciates that.
On Her Hidden Passion
“I have a secret passion for movie continuity errors.”
On Accepting Your Shortcomings
“Can someone with a butt tell me what it’s like to have one? Preferably the cons?”
You’re gorgeous, girl.
On Maintaining Friendships
“I like your photo to let you know we are still friends even though I don’t return your messages”
And we thought we were the only ones who did this.
On Parenting Anxiety
“When my avocados go bad I feel like I’ll never be a good mother and get noticeably distraught.”
Well, Chrissy, we know you’ll be an incredible mama.
“Update: 3-legged dog cannot swim”
Out of context, it’s even funnier.
“Would never be a scientologist but offended to never have been asked”
When you put it that way … us too.
On Surprise Releases
“Go to bed so I can drop my mixtape.”
On Just Not Giving a F**k
“Officially given all the f**ks. Actually you stole them. But they’re gone either way.”
“You always said ‘Take me home!’ on your covers, but no one did, SkyMall. No one did.”
RIP to all the left-behind copies of SkyMall.
“If SoulCycle doesn’t sell Soul Psycho shirts, what do they sell?”
Nothing as good as those would be.
On Watching Sports
“My vagina hurts when I watch gymnastics.”
“Sweet potatoes are to fries as gazpacho is to soup. Offensive.”
No new friends/no new foods.
On Accepting John’s Proposal
“Thank you, Beyoncé, for making marriage seem cool. it’s the only reason I said yes.”
It’s the only reason any of us say yes, honestly.
On Writing Rap Lyrics
“What rhymes with Ezekiel bread? I’m trying to write some sweet rap beats”
The day Chrissy Teigen’s rap career takes off will be a national holiday.
On Mastering the English Language
“Doing some deep research”
Chrissy is always asking the hard-hitting questions.