I had my hopes set on Julianne Moore coming in and stealing the show in some form of green, but that didn’t happen. What did happen was mountains of luxurious fabric and a great big nod to art deco. All this along with, of course, another disappointment from rock royalty and way too much gold swirly stuff. Here’s a peek at a few who were right on the mark at the 2013 Oscars, and a few who missed it.

 

Deco Delight – Halle Berry

 

 

The former beauty queen officially made up for her poor fashion choice at the Golden Globes (who could forget the uniboob?) with this elegant deco-inspired dress. A bit of cleavage revealed through a plunging neckline proved how a little exposure could go a long way.

 

Hiding Assets – Salma Hayek

 

 

Hayek, who is known for her raucous curves and vivacious personality, looked severe and unapproachable in this top bun and high-neck dress. My explanation for all this nonsense? She's married to a French billionaire and is just trying to look like European royalty.

 

Southern Belle – Jennifer Lawrence

 

 

Not only was her voluminous gown totally gorgeous, but so was her hair, her delicate back-draping jewels, and her makeup. But what really made this Kentucky native a thing of beauty on award night was her attitude. When asked about tripping on her way up to the podium she told a reporter, "What do you mean, 'What happened?' Look at my dress!" Lawrence never takes herself too seriously–and wants everyone to know.

 

 

So Over It – Kristen Stewart

 

 

By now, I think it's safe to say that everyone is thinking that either a) she does buckets of drugs before every television appearance or b) because she grew up the child of two parents who worked behind the camera, she is just sick of Hollywood. Yes, the dress was boring and unflattering in every way possible, but it was her attitude that really bummed us out.

 

Top Secret – Jessica Chastain

 

 

Chastain didn't win, but if she had I'll bet she would have said, "Thank you, Megan Ellison. I'm so glad I responded to that cryptic text you sent me." She might also have thanked her stylist because this gold-toned frock was definitely a winner. Not only did the color complement her skin tone, the shape and geometric sequins screamed "I've been nominated for an Academy Award!"

 

 

 

Black Magic – Nicole Kidman

 

 

Don’t get me wrong, this dress was incredible—just not for Academy Award night. If she'd been on her way to the CMA's, it would have been dynamite. But even the always impeccable (OK, usually impeccable) Kidman could not get away with wearing this loud body-hugging dress to the Oscars. Another odd thing to note about it? I think there was an actual face incorporated into the design. Mysterious…

 

One Tough Lady – Sally Field

 

 

Field recently told Stephen Colbert that she doesn’t get invited to parties that often. I have a feeling that after her stupendious performance as Mary Todd Lincoln in Lincoln and beating out Hilary Swank on the red carpet in this Valentino number, all that is about to change. Get ready to get your groove on Gidget!

 

More Gold – Catherine Zeta Jones

 

 

Just as Julianne Moore should stick to green, Catherine Zeta Jones should stick to red. This dress did nothing for her. Not only was the gold very unflattering, but the shape and cut just looked messy on her. And she and Nicole Kidman must have been shopping together because here—again—we got more gold swirly things.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that we get to see Zeta Jones next year in a dress more like the one she wore to the Oscars in 1990.

 

Pretty in Pink – Anne Hathaway

 

 

I kind of went back and forth on this one for a while, but finally came to the conclusion that she looked damn good. I think she took a chance with this one (and no, I don’t mean by drawing attention to her nipples—even though she certainly did do that). From the front, it didn't look like anything special, but the back revealed it was indeed special. Props to Hathaway for taking a risk.

 

Fashion Police – Kelly Osbourne

 

 

The fact that Kelly Osbourne showed up to a red carpet event in yet another matronly black dress proves that she is going off the rails on a crazy train. Surely she must realize that by employing herself as a fashion critic she lays herself wide open for the same criticism. Right? Well, as soon as she is ready to start taking this Fashion Police stuff seriously, we'll be ready.