Mila Kunis talking about Ashton Kutcher’s Junk is Every Man’s Nightmare
by Chad Taylor
OMG. Mila Kunis went on James Cordon’s Late Late Show and dished about Ashton Kutcher’s equipment.
James Cordon is delightful (have you seen the “Carpool Karaoke” with Sia? F’real doe). Mila Kunis is almost equally delightful. Ashton Kutcher… is a person who exists. And yet, when you bring those three things together on national television, the results are abjectly horrifying.
On a recent episode of The Late Late Show, the talk show host interviewed Bad Mom co-stars Mila Kunis and Christina Applegate with a series of uncomfortably personal questions as part of a bit called “Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts,” wherein the contestants have to either answer the questions or consume one of many disgusting food and drink options. That was how Kunis found herself faced with the following option: drink a glass of clam juice or tell everyone whether Kutcher is sporting “a carrot stick or a beer can.”
Speaking as a grown-ass man, I can tell you: This is a scenario that every male on the planet lives in abject fear of. Imagine plopping yourself down on the couch after a long day of Punking, or whatever it is that Ashton Kutcher does with his life. You had a nice dinner, took the dog out for a poop, now you’re thinking about maybe turning in and getting a solid eight. But wait, you can’t sleep just yet BECAUSE YOUR WIFE IS ON TELEVISION TALKING ABOUT YOUR PENIS.
Oh God. I think I blacked out there for a second.
Kunis proceeded to give a roundabout answer to the question that left everyone watching a little confused as to what she was trying to get at, first choosing the carrot, then switching to the beer can, because she suddenly remembered that tallboys are a thing. The takeaway: Mila Kunis wants the world to know that Ashton Kutcher has a giant, pint-of-beer-sized penis. Ladies, I have no idea what this information does for you. Is that information you were clamoring for? Does this make anyone add Kutcher to their “celebrity free-pass” list? I don’t know. Just please, for the love of Beyoncé, make your man one simple promise: Do not ever go on television and talk about his junk.