Ten Celebrity Dads Who Make Yours Look Cooler
Few things made my dad laugh more than purposely embarrassing me when I was a kid. To this day, he still threatens to show up at my office in a pair of dirty overalls, holding a sign that says, “Veekee’s Dad,” with several backward letters. I consider this an endearing trait of his now, but I used to get so mad at him when I was younger. Little did I know then that it can always be worse, as the celebrity-obsessed media shows us with constant reports on famous bad dads, like David Hasselhoff and Michael Lohan. If you think your own father’s mortifying beyond belief, remember that fate could’ve put you in the hands of any of these crazies instead.
1. Alec Baldwin
As much as I love Alec the actor, I’d hate to be on the receiving end of that infamous phone call he made to his daughter in 2007. Most eleven-year-olds are undoubtedly “rude little pigs”—I know I was—but that doesn’t make it okay to say.
2. Woody Allen
The feces really hit the fan in 1992 when Mia Farrow discovered naked pictures of her twenty-two-year-old adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn, in Allen’s apartment. Farrow and Allen had been together for twelve years by that point, which basically made Soon-Yi his unofficial stepdaughter … until she became his official wife in 1997.
3. Michael Lohan
As embarrassing as your dad might be, at least he’s not recording your private phone calls and releasing them for everyone to hear. What’s worse is that he claims to be Lindsay’s number-one supporter, all the while profiting from—and contributing to—her demise.
4. Joe Simpson
Like Lohan, Simpson capitalizes on his daughters’ very public trials and tribulations, but in a far creepier, more manipulative way. At least Lindsay’s dad doesn’t act as a third wheel in her relationships or, even worse, make comments to reporters about her breasts.
5. David Hasselhoff
The video that surfaced of Hasselhoff shirtless, incoherent, and using what little motor skills he has left to stuff a hamburger in his mouth—which his own daughter shot—is reason enough to put him on this list.
6. Pete Doherty
I didn’t even know this mess had kids until reading that a greeting-card-company survey put him at the top of the list for worst celebrity dads. Doherty even beat out Woody Allen and Michael Jackson, and considering the survey was conducted after Jackson dangled his own baby over a hotel balcony, that’s really saying something.
7. Eddie Murphy
Murphy hooked up with Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown in 2007, then dumped her after she announced her pregnancy; he told reporters the child wasn’t his and implied that Brown slept around. Even after a paternity test revealed that Murphy was indeed the kid’s dad, he made zero attempts to be a part of his new daughter’s life, according to an interview with the mother in 2008.
8. Richard Heene
This guy used his six-year-old son to garner media attention, telling everyone that little Falcon flew away in a wayward helium-balloon craft. He spent ninety days in jail and paid $36,000 in fines, but he has yet to pay for the biggest crime of all: giving his son a name like Falcon, and then making sure it’s forever followed by the nickname Balloon Boy.
9. Ryan O’Neal
Lest you think Joe Simpson is the creepiest father in Hollywood, may I present you with Ryan O’Neal, who hit on his own daughter, actress Tatum O’Neal, at her mother, Farrah Fawcett’s, funeral. He didn’t recognize her, and explained that he “was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman.” Even more disturbing was Tatum’s response: “That’s our relationship in a nutshell.” Oh, and he also shot a gun at his son, Griffin, in 2007.
10. Jon Gosselin
He got a lot of flack for gallivanting around town after his breakup with Kate, but honestly, I might do the same if I had eight kids and was getting a taste of freedom for the first time in years. What’s more offensive is that Gosselin uses the kids to garner publicity and money—that, plus his tacky loyalty to all things Ed Hardy.
Let’s hear it for all the goofy dads out there who took our rolled eyes and huffy exits with good-natured chuckles, and who would never spill our secrets to the tabloids or include us in any ridiculous balloon-related hoaxes. This Father’s Day, be sure to thank them for all they’ve done—or, more important, haven’t done—for you.