Weird Celebrity Baby Names: North, Kal-El, Pirate & More!
by Hilary Braaksma
Most parents try to teach their children life lessons the old-fashioned way: chores, part-time jobs, and public schools. Celebrities, on the other hand, have to be a little bit more creative. How do you keep your child grounded will simultaneously lavishing them with life’s finest material goods? Apparently, it’s pretty easy—you just give them a hideous name and see how hard they work to overcome the resulting childhood trauma. Check out this list of some of the most unusual celebrity baby names bestowed upon innocent babes in recent years.
Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp
Musician John Mellencamp is a father of five, but he definitely didn’t save the best name for last. In order of birth, his children are: Michelle, Teddi Jo, Justice, Hud, and Speck. A few of those names are questionable, but apparently he had just given up by the time his youngest rolled around. In fact, I’m not sure he even knew he was having a fifth child: Speck Wildhorse sounds more like Mellencamp was trying to think of good names for a dude ranch.
Rocket Man Williams
At first glance, you might think rapper Pharrell Williams is a huge Elton John fan. I mean, why else would you name your son Rocket Man? Apparently, Williams is actually a huge fan of all things outerspace, including Star Trek and late astronomer Carl Sagan. Not that it makes his son’s name any better. In fact, it almost makes it worse: Doesn’t Pharrell know it’s unfair to push your career aspriations onto your children? I sincerely doubt giving your celebrity baby an unusual name Rocket Man will increase his chances of becoming an astronaut.
Denim and Diezel Braxton-Lewis
R&B artist Toni Braxton and her ex-husband Keri Lewis certainly have a knack for unique names. Just ask their sons Denim and Diezel. I’m trying to think of the correlation between the two, but the only thing I can come up with is that Braxton either has an affinity for Diesel brand jeans or casually dressed mechanics. Most likely, it’s neither of those: Braxton apparently just likes using the letter D to make bad decisions.
Fifi, Peaches, Pixie, and Tiger Lily Geldof
The late British TV personality Paula Yates had a knack for unique names. She had three daughters with Irish musician Bob Geldof: Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and Little Pixie. After her divorce from Geldof, Paula Yates had another daughter with musician Michael Hutchence. After Hutchence and Yates both passed away, their daughter was adopted by her ex-husband Bob Geldof. Confused? We are too. Anyway, their youngest child was dubbed with the longest name on our list: Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence Geldof.
Moxie Crimefighter and Zolten Penn Jillette
Magician Penn Jillette of the famous duo Penn & Teller may be a talented illusionist, but his children’s names have left us a little bit disillusioned. Moxie Crimefighter and Zolten Penn aren’t exactly magical names. Moxie means “agressive,” Crimefigther speaks for itself, and Zolten Penn is a combination of his mother’s last name and his father’s first. All we can hope is that Moxie Crimefigher lives up to her badass name when it comes time to protect herself and Zolten on the playground.
Now, I’m really happy for everyone else and their crazy baby names, and I’m gonna let them finish, but Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had one of the worst baby names of all time! As obnoxious as both of baby North’s parents are, you really would have thought they would have gone for something a little more unique. You know, for search engine optimization?
We’re not accusing Jermaine Jackson of having a big head, but… Okay, yes, we are. What was he thinking? “Well, I’m Jermaine, and I really like my name. Also, my child is basically royalty, so Jermajesty is perfect.” Unfortunately for Jermajesty, having a name that rhymes with “her majesty” is basically a bully magnet, especially for a boy. Then again, Jermaine does have about a billion other kids, so maybe he just ran out of good ideas.
Audio Science Clayton & Mortimer Sossamon
Shannyn Sossamon has two sons, Audio Science and Mortimer. One of them will grow up to study the science of sound, and the other will grow up to be a mortician. At least I think that’s what Shannyn is planning for, nobody can really be sure.
Bronx Mowgli Wentz
Since the Bronx is a New York City borough and Mowgli is the little boy from the Jungle Book, I can only assume Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were trying to do some sort of clever “Urban Jungle” theme with their son’s name. Or maybe they had orgininally planned to let him run wild through the streets of the city like some kind of modern feral child. Either way, it was a bad idea, but at least he isn’t being raised by a bear.
Dweezil, Ahmet, Moon Unit, and Diva Muffin Zappa
If the rest of this list is any indicator, musicians are the best at giving their children the worst names. The late guitar-guru Frank Zappa could easily be considered the founding father of weird celebrity baby names. Just ask his sons, Dweezil and Ahmet, or his daughters, Moon Unit and Diva Muffin. Super cute, and not weird at all, right?
Peanut Kai and Pohaku Zen Rademacher
Former General Hospital star Ingo Rademacher has a unique name of his own, but it must not bother him much. In fact, Rademacher is such a good sport about his unique name that he gave his sons even more uncommon (ie: completely made up) names: Peanut and Pohaku. What a great family tradition.
Pilot Inspektor Lee
Jason Lee is the funny man from the NBC show My Name is Earl. Sadly, his son will have to spend the rest of his life saying “My Name is Pilot Inspektor,” which doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume Lee decided on “Inspektor” with a ‘K’ to avoid any mix-ups in the event his son applies for a job in air traffic later on. Although I suspect celebrities who give their children unusual names aren’t thinking about job propsects as much as the rest of us.
Korn frontman Jonathan Davis named his son Pirate—probably because that’s the only thing Davis could think of that would be cooler than being a rockstar. I just hope this doesn’t lead to a life of high-seas swindling for the child—or a rising number of illegally-downloaded Korn albums.
Homer Laffoon and Atlas Tupper
Actress Anne Heche must have an affinity for ancient Greek culture. Her first son shares a name with Homer, the ancient Greek author known for his epic poems; her other son has the same monicker as the ancient Greek titan Atlas, a mythical man who was said to have carried the world on his back. While we certainly admire her historical literary knowledge, we kind of question whether her children will appreciate the references quite as much.
Huckleberry and Marmaduke Grylls
Adventurer Bear Grylls is a known fan of the great outdoors, so we’re guessing he named his youngest son Huckleberry after Mark Twain’s adventurous fictional character. Even if we have that cleared up, we’re still trying to figure out a couple more things: Why did he name his second son Marmaduke, and how long will it take his oldest son Jesse to realize he’s the luckiest member of the Grylls clan?
Archibald William Emerson Arnett
Amy Poehler and her former husband Will Arnett told the media they named their son after his dad, whose full name is William Emerson Arnett. That’s nice, but there’s still no word on why they tacked a completely ridiculous name onto the front of it and called it a day. My guess is that the funny couple was hoping little Archie’s name might be their longest running joke.
Buddy, Petal, Poppy, and Daisy Oliver
At first glance, chef Jamie Oliver’s kids’ names don’t sound quite so bad. A little bit like a cartoon family, but do-able. But, when you throw in the middle names (and they all have two), you realize what a mean, mean man Jamie Oliver really is: Buddy Bear Murice, Petal Blossom Rainbow, Poppy Honey Rosie, and Daisy Boo Pamela Oliver.
Banjo Patrick Taylor
Australian actress Rachel Griffiths and her author husband Andrew Taylor named their oldest son Banjo Patrick Taylor. While this will be endlessly tragic for poor little Banjo, Griffiths and Taylor have apparently learned their baby-naming lesson: Their next two children, Banjo’s sisters, are named Adelaide and Clementine—which are still unusual, but a breath of fresh air compared to their musical big brother.
Kal-El Copolla Cage
Nicolas Cage reportedly changed his given last name, Copolla, to Cage as an homage to his favorite comic book superhero, Luke Cage. When Nic’s son was born, Cage apparently went ahead and gave the boy his second choice for a stage name: Kal-El, a tribute to Marvel hero Superman’s Kryptonian name, and gave him Copolla as a middle name. How sweet… kind of.
Photos (left to right): Ashlee Simpson and Bronx Wentz by BJJ/Stoianov/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES, Denim Cole Braxton-Lewis, Toni Braxton, and Diezel Ky Braxton-Lewis by Juan Rico/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES, Nicholas Cage and Kal-El Cage by Fame Pictures