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"Heavy Boobs" is the Ample-Chested Anthem You've Been Waiting For

"Heavy boobs, heavy boobs, dense like dying stars. / I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs. They each have their own memoirs."

If you're a big-boobed gal, you understand the problems—and benefits—of an ample chest. While big boobs may look great in t-shirts or a low-cut dress, button down shirts and 95 percent of swimsuits are out of the question. At the gym, you either strap those puppies down with a heavy-duty sports bra (maybe two) or avoid the ellipticals at all cost. And don't even think about jump-roping. Well, finally there's a song to show the world that the double D struggle is real. "Heavy Boobs" by Crazy Ex-Girlfriend star Rachel Bloom says everything you've ever wanted to about the boobies you love to hate.

Bloom and her big-boobed back up dancers may bounce enthusiastically to their catchy tune, but our boobs hurt from just watching them. I mean, look at them go! "I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs, dense like dying stars," Bloom sings. "I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs. I can't run real far." We feel you, girl.

Our favorite part must be when Rachel talks about all the extra goodies a big-boobed lady finds in her bra after a day out and about. "Stuff falls into my bra. Its a little bit of a drag. / But when I go to bed at night, it's like opening a Mary Poppins bag." Popcorn, change, shredded cheese, and even earring backs—boobs collect all kinds of fun things!

Plus, they make a handy holder. No pockets? No problem. Just put your things in your cleavage! "Here is a list of all of the objects that I can hold under my boobs: / stapler, 10 pencils, paperback copy of Arabian Nights, / dog bone, remote control, hard back copy of Wuthering Heights."

A girl's relationship to her boobs can be a complicated one, especially when they get inexplicably sore. But at least we know that other ladies are feeling our pain. Even if you can't relate to Bloom and her crew's pillowy plight, you can still download the song here

Rachel Weeks

I'm originally from the Chicagoland area, but I recently moved from beautiful Des Moines, IA to the equally beautiful Denver, CO. I spend my days reading, binge-watching TV shows, performing and listening to comedy and, of course, writing.

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