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Fantasy Jobs I Will Never Have

Each day, my email is filled with educational opportunities that promise to put me on the path to financial success and personal satisfaction. I have to admit that some of these emails grab my attention. Do you know that in a few short months, I can be an X-ray technician, bartender, Pilates instructor, or a social worker? I don’t know how these “schools” who send these emails know that it will only take me “a few short months” to complete their rigorous academic requirements, but I suspect that if I am willing to pay their tuition, I might even be able to get a medical degree. 

Anyway, as I stared at the possible list of careers I could pursue, I started to ponder my dream jobs. So, below is a list of careers that I have often thought would be fun to take on. There is no need to panic upon reading the list. I assure you that your world is safe in that I will never truly enter into these fields—well, most of them … I don’t know though. Some sound as if they are begging me to come on board.  

Truck driver. I have always longed for the freedom of the open road. I could see me sitting behind the wheel of one of those eighteen-wheeler things and having a grand old time on the CB. Do truckers still use CBs or are they cell phone people now? I hope there are CBs, I would love to have a cool or scary identity—I guess the correct term is “handle”—such as Mama Frizz or PMS Queen or Mankiller. Yeah, I think I could get some respect with those names. I could be the mysterious lady trucker on the road, maneuvering my way through the country singing trucker songs like “King of the Road” with nothing to get in my way besides idiot drivers on the New Jersey Turnpike and a few state troopers who do not appreciate my affinity for tailgating and blowing my big trucker horn at old people who refuse to go more than 45 MPH in the center lane! I’m sorry. I seem to have gotten lost in that moment. I’m back now. The only trucking gig I wouldn’t do is that ice-road driving. I saw that show on cable and there is not enough money in the world that can get me to drive across frozen lakes and rivers to deliver auto parts to some car dealer in East Snowshoe, Alaska. I don’t even ice skate well. How the hell would I manage to balance a huge truck on frozen turf that might become unfrozen the second I drive my rig onto it? That, to me, is not fun.  

Trapeze artist. I don’t know why this would be so much fun for me except the fact that I could—and feel free to sing along—fly through the air with the greatest of ease and I would be the amazing woman on that flying trapeze. I have to admit that I interview traveling circus people for a trade magazine I write for and they are so interesting. Trapeze people have such a spirit for life. Plus, I would think that if you go around telling men you are a trapeze artist, you never lack a date. I don’t know why this is true, but men just seem to love trapeze artists. Me, I go ga-ga over someone who can offer a steady income and a walk-in closet, but hey, everyone is different.


Sports team mascot (specifically the Philly Phanatic). This is truly my dream job! Imagine how it would be? Imagine that I can put on a costume and gyrate in a way that would get me arrested if I was not in that costume; I could stand on top of the Phillies dugout and yell at umpires and opposing players and not get in trouble or escorted out by security—that is like dying and going to heaven. Plus, I think the Phanatic’s costume is air conditioned which makes it okay to wear in the summer heat. The Phanatic persona combines celebrity clout with anonymity. At the game, I am allowed to go wild. Take off the costume and I am back to being an everyday freelance living in the Philly burbs with my secret identity intact.

Casino security person
in Las Vegas. I pick this job because there is no better place to people watch than Vegas, and no job allows you more access to people than security at a casino. One night when I was there, my husband went off to play blackjack and I was waiting for him at one of the hotel bars. I was sipping a martini and I started to chat with a man who was in casino security. We started to watch people and imagine their life stories. He could read people so clearly, and he was telling me about the characters that come to Las Vegas. “It’s a novel waiting to happen,” he said. “I don’t even need security cameras to know what they are up to. I have been in this job so long, that just by looking at people, I can tell if they are criminals, cheaters, etc. When they come here, they just let it show.” To have that kind of insight on human nature would be amazing to me.

Baywatch Babe. I can hear women everywhere asking, “Why? Why this job?” Because simply, I would be at the beach all day and that to me would be great. Okay, it’s also the boobs! For five minutes, I would love to know what it is like to have those boobs, and find out if they do really help one float. I know I am disappointing women everywhere but I am curious. Okay, the other perks of the job is no office work and no boring work clothes. The downside to being a Baywatch babe: riptides and sharks. I guess I could guide swimmers out of a riptide or at least pick them up down the beach when they work themselves out of one, but I don’t think I would have the guts to go up to a shark and demand that he let go of a surfer. I would need a guarantee that I would not have to tangle with anything that had teeth in the ocean. 


Third-string quarterback in the NFL. If I was a man, this would be my top job. Why? I would get the league minimum of more than $500,000 per year; I would rarely have to play a single game because there is a star QB and the second-stringer hoping the star gets hurt so he can become the first-stringer; and since I would probably not have to see a moment of action, I would have no long-term, chronic health issues. Best of all, when someone asks what I did for a living, I would get to say truthfully, “I am an NFL quarterback.” As a guy, I bet that would make me a chick magnet. As a woman, I have no shot at this job, so I will save it as a possibility for my next life.

Food tester for famous bakery chefs. Nothing gives me more joy than desserts. I am a cookie-eating, cake-loving, ice cream-aholic who lives for sweet treats. As a pastry tester for the famous chefs of the world, I would get my share of not only everyday desserts but the desserts that only royalty enjoys. I don’t know how one gets a job as pastry tester, and I did not see a category for it on Monster.com, but if anyone has an “in” on this career, please let me know.

Animal whisperer to the stars.
Okay, this would be a really cool job. First, I get to work with animals. Secondly, I could hear right from the horse’s mouth—literally—what goes on in these stars’ home and then without giving away a confidence, I could sell the worst secrets to the National Enquirer and make a fortune. I would imagine that Hollywood pets witness so much, and they are probably dying to tell someone, and I could be that someone. Let’s face it: the world just clamors for information on these people. I’m not sure why, but they do, so why not jump on that old bandwagon. The best part of this gig is that even if I gave up my source, and said “The Chihuahua told me,” no one would believe me!  

 


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