The Answer, My Friend, Is Written on His Chest

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The Answer, My Friend, Is Written on His Chest

I’m a master of intuition (manipulation too), but my man-reading skills are limited to identifying when a man’s bored (yawning), tired (yawning), or contagious (scratching). I’ve been renting out my skills to help single friends decide where best to direct their energies (clocks are ticking), but it’s no easy feat to gauge if a guy’s a keeper, a rockstar, or a vegetarian without getting invested. I don’t expect a guy to wear his heart on his sleeve or anything … but a few words on his chest might be nice.

Is He a Keeper?

Photo source: BustedTees.com

Don’t settle for a man who’s good in the sack. Sex is overrated. What you need to know is if he’s good on the couch, and I mean with the remote. This subtle grey and white “Attention ladies, I enjoy Grey’s Anatomy” t-shirt is like a flashing neon sign that screams, “Pick me!”

Is He an Animal Lover?

Photo source: MediocreClothing.com

If you read between the lines, this shirt says, “Marry me.” If you read the actual lines, it says “Missing Turtle. Answers to Michaelangelo. His favorite food is pizza, but he hates anchovies. He has an orange blindfold cut out for the eyes. Keep an eye out at the clubs and bars because he’s a party dude. Be careful because he has nun-chucks. His owner really misses him. Call Splinter at 555-4372.” You should say yes.

Is He Interested?

Photo source: TShirtHell.com

No need to fuss about your posture or hair, or fake that you are having a ball over there on the other side of the bar—this tee says it all: “Not tonight ladies, I’m just here to get drunk.” Fair enough.

Is He a Rockstar?

Photo source: BustedTees.com

So you already know he can do the electric slide by the way he walked in the door, but will he, will he rock you? Just look at the size of that air-guitar for your answer.

Is He a Vegetarian?

 Photo source: SpreadShirt.com

You stopped eating meat after Bambi’s mom was shot so thanks to his, “I eat babies, they are delicious” tee, you know better than to invite this carnivore over to dinner (or to babysit).

Is He Cool? 

Photo source: Threadless.com

If he’s not LL Cool J, it can be difficult to tell if a guy is cool, or just masquerading as cool. Well, if he’s wearing an “I listen to bands that don’t even exist yet” shirt you know he’s cooler than cool—yes he’s ice-cold (in a really hot way).

Does He Have Baggage?


Photo source: UrbanOutfitters.com

Photo source: EndangeredWear.com

A good-looking guy passes you on the street and you can’t but wonder if he’s a mamma’s boy or a baby-daddy. Well if he’s wearing a strap-on baby shirt, he’s a very smart man (and smart men are typically good catches). He knows we’ll ooh and aah for the cute little baby on his chest without sighing that some other hussy got to him first. You’re also safe if he’s wearing a shirt that says “My mom rocks harder than your mom.” It’s sweet that he wants to talk his mom up a bit. If he’s wearing a photo-shirt of his mom though, keep your head down and walk on by.

Is He in Heat?

Photo source: BustedTees.com

You know that when he wants to do it he’ll say whatever it takes—like “Sex, do it for the kids”—to get you to do it too. He also knows that humor is a big turn-on for women (so he should get a double doin’ for creativity!). Warning: reserve some energy to look for Mr. Right in the morning—this guy’s just Mr. Right for tonight.

Is He Athletic?


Photo source: Supermarkethq.com

Photo source: Supermarkethq.com

It’s usually a good thing if you have to ask yourself if a man is athletic. It means he’s not on steroids and he’s not dressed like the mascot of his favorite sports team. If he’s wearing a pogo shirt it means he wants you to be the athletic one (i.e., hop up and down on his pogo stick). The “replica football shirt” indicates he’s athletic in the wits department. Don’t stop to stretch first, go get ‘em!

Is He Affectionate?

Photo source: TShirtOutlet.com

This shirt may as well say “Look, spaghetti arms. This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don’t go into yours; you don’t go into mine.” “Don’t Touch My Nuts” might also mean that he’s been burned, and he just needs a gentle touch and time. Your clock is ticking though so you need someone who’s good to go. Don’t talk to this shirt.