Gifts for the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Dad
by Jacinta O
My dad’s not Pa Ingalls. He’s not even Homer Simpson. He’s Marty. He’s one of the forgotten dads who marketers ignore every Father’s Day. He neither wants—nor deserves—the new grill (with matching “King of the BBQ” apron), the GPS device, or the personalized golf balls. He’s a member of the dad demographic that doesn’t exactly fit the Hallmark “dear old dad” stereotype. This group includes everyone from the dad who forgets his kid’s birthday, to the dad who forgets his kid’s name, to the dad who forgets his kid altogether. He’s not perfect—he’s human, and let’s face it, Brad Pitt can’t adopt us all. This Father’s Day, instead of buying for the dads we wish we had, I say we buy for the ones we’re stuck with.
Pissed Off Dad
Dad is eternally pissed. You can’t say hello without pissing him off and it makes you want to strangle the man. With the “Things you do that really piss me off” pad, you can both express your peeves without rolling up your sleeves. Putting your frustrations to paper will facilitate your own psychological well-being, but Dad might just enjoy an organized whine. There are only sixty pages per pad, so you might want to get him a few.
Photo source: KnockKnock.biz
The man’s so cheap he’d peel an orange in his pocket so he wouldn’t have to share. You can wish he’d buy himself new clothes or you can help him patch up the ones he has with this Underwear Repair Kit. The kit includes iron-on patches, White Out, duct tape, elastic waistband, a needle and thread, safety pins, and a thirty-two-page manual.
Photo source: FredFlare.com
Ignorance Is Bliss Dad
You want to share your grievances, but Dad keeps ducking you so he doesn’t have to hear. Catch him where he’s a sitting duck—in the bathroom. This battery-powered Talking TP records and plays back any message. Want to tell him he was never there for you? Just press the “record” button, say what’s on your mind, load up with some TP, and you’re ready to go. Your message will play whenever paper is pulled.
Photo source: UrbanOutfitters.com
Hallmark doesn’t make an “Even though you forgot to pick me up from school that time and I was run over by a bus, I love you anyway” card for Father’s Day, so you’ll have to get yourself a box of crayons and some paper. However, if you’re looking for a creative solution to dad forgetting his grandkids’ names, why not get him a To-Do Tattoo kit? It includes twelve “To Do” forms that Dad can apply to his hand (or forehead) and then fill in with a skin-safe washable ink.
Photo source: PerpetualKid.com
He thinks the sun shines out of his arse; you think you were always lost in his shadow. You can gift this “I Pee Excellence” tee sarcastically, but chances are he’ll receive it enthusiastically.
Photo source: SnorgTees.com
So Dad’s a big fat liar. You’ve accepted that a leopard doesn’t change his spots—he’ll always be creative with the truth—but he can slim his spots so you can feel he’s made an effort to change. The Male Abdominal Shaper instantly lifts, shapes, and slims dad’s lying body, flattening his stomach, waist, hips, and back. Now Dad’s a big skinny liar.
Photo source: MakeMeHeal.com
He tells your mom he wants to be alone then takes off for the weekend with a broad named Joan. Dad will get a kick out of this smooches hankie, which he will see as a wink and nudge to his devilish doings. Hopefully mom will see the hankie—and the light—and kick devilish daddy out. If not, get him this “I’m with stupid” tee with the finger pointing down to his cheatin’ ding-a-ling.
When I was a kid, I used to get such a kick out of hearing my friend Martina talk about her father: “He’s a toothless, useless, hairless bastard” she’d say and we’d all laugh with a mixture of shock and admiration. She saw her dad for what he was at an early age, but if you’ve just copped now, don’t panic come Father’s Day. Gift him something you wish you’d thought to give him when you were thirteen—a highly-informative how-to book. Rising to the Occasion will teach Dad everything from how to wrap a present, be a wonderful weekend guest, unclog the drain, shake hands, give a haircut, and more.
Photo source: SpoonSisters.com
You wish you could bond with your dad. You enjoy baseball, tennis, and classical music. Dad enjoys, well … drinking. Instead of wishing he were someone else, why not make an effort to enjoy his favorite pastime by buying him these cool DIY Drinking Strawz? These fun straws have twenty flexible rubber connectors and sixteen translucent straw pieces so that you and dad can build a straw that dips into two (or more) cups, and allows for sharing the drink and the fun! If you want to get dad into some of your hobbies, you might consider the beer belly pouch so Dad can sneak his interests along under his shirt.
If your only gripe about your dad is that he’s a little rough around the edges, then maybe he just needs a little softening up. You could cry on his shoulder (and ignore him calling you a sissy), volunteer him for a Dr. Phil episode, or you could just soften his exterior with the Man Can. This cleverly packaged kit includes everything dad needs to go soft: Fisherman’s Hand Butter, Fisherman’s Scrub Soap, Spicy Shave Gel, Bay Rum After Shower Oil, and a body mitt.
Photo source: Delight.com
If you’re not quite ready to come to terms with—or shop for—the dad you’re stuck with, then go easy on yourself and him, by getting “dear old dad” a really cool gift.
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