I am about to reveal the greatest holiday season controversy to you.
You already know what it is, but perhaps you have not come to terms with it quite yet.
Millions of women own them, with stacks of them lining their cold wooden bureaus, waiting to be unleashed as the weather permits. The mysterious objects seem like a practical solution on a cold winter’s day. More than practical for some, even vibrant and inviting. A conversation starter, a warm holiday greeting, a constant companion. It sickens me.
A thirty-something may own a single one, while the more aged may boast an entire collection. However, age is not discriminatory in the owning of these monstrosities, I am quite sorry to say.
They come in all colors of the rainbow. However, the holiday seasons lends itself a more jovial red and green assortment. Even more numerous than the colors are the textures, ornamentations, and decorations, of which I can not hope to describe without gagging. I am sorry to remain vague.
Even though their main purpose is to provide comfort and “joy” in the chilly months, somehow I find them sneaking out on a cool summer’s day for a little spin. Apparently they are created in lighter materials to suit all occasions, weather, and festivities. What genius designer thought of that. Note the sarcasm.
I am almost certain that they only manufacture them in the United States, as I have never seen them elsewhere. This tragedy is on the top three reasons as to why I am moving to Europe when I am of age.
So, either you have conjured an answer to my riddle or your mind is in the gutter.
The solution is: the dreaded, most ghastly, and horrifying holiday sweaters.
Now, at reading the answer, you have either chuckled and decided to move on to another article because this controversy does not concern you or you are in strong denial. “Me? Have an ugly holiday sweater? Of course not.” However, you are only fooling yourself. I am sure if you ask a loved one, they will be able to respond immediately as to whether you own one. No thinking required.
As a sort of self-help guide, I have written the following steps to liberate yourself from your holiday sweaters with minimal side effects.
Step 1: Stating your problem aloud is always the first step to any problem. Look into your wardrobe. Now find your sweaters section. Any sweater that has a definite, tangible theme is defined as a holiday sweater. See any?
Step 2: Take one of these accused sweaters and try it on. Now walk up to a mirror. How do you want the world to perceive you in this sweater? Remember, no matter what your budget and lifestyle, you do not have to resort to these seemingly cozy retreats. That’s what Snuggies are for.
Step 3: Having had a perception of yourself in the mirror with your sweater, decide if it is worth it. Does anybody actually compliment you on the sweater? Is it flattering? Think about where you would wear this sweater. At this specified location, think of the people that surround you. Do you actually wish to harm those around you? Do you wish to depreciate the value and worth of your family, close friends, and most importantly, yourself?
Note: Although your sweater may accurately depict your favorite holiday scene to the rest of the world, nobody actually cares. This may seem very abrasive, but I think it is better that I as a stranger relate this to you than a loved one.
Step 4: The Disposal of the Sweater. And I don’t mean donate it to a charity. Not even the homeless feel that they need to display themselves in such decoration. But get rid of it quickly so as to not have any second feelings or reservations.
Maybe a lot of warm memories are linked with the sweater. Don’t worry, you do not have to fully discard of it. Cut it up to small pieces to use as rags, line the bottom of your drawers, or use as oven mitts. That way, every time you scrub the floor or pick up a piping-hot casserole, the intimate feelings from the joy can resurface without ever having abandoned the article of clothing.
After these four easy steps, I am sure that you feel much better about discarding your own holiday sweater. You do not have to feel chilly during the winter, though: opt for a classic cable-knit sweater that is appropriate for all ages. If you purchased the sweater for holiday sentiments, bake gingerbread cookies instead. If you bought the sweater for warmth and comfort, invest in the aforementioned Snuggie.
Although I do seem like a tactless bitch, your friends and relatives will thank me. I promise.