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Harem Pants: WTF?

There’s only so much a girl can take. Season after season I am subjected to the whims of trend tyrants—between the skinny-ninny leg pants that make my legs look like sausages, the jodphur pants that make me look like I’m short a SeaBiscuit, the high-waist pants that make me look like I ate too many biscuits, and now the downright silly MC Hammer/harem/Ali-Baba-and-his-forty-thieves pants that just make me look plain silly.

Is it too much to ask for a pair of simply tailored trousers people? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for baggy-arse comfortable pants … just not outside the house.

I’ve seen several extremes (you know who you are Gaultier, Donna Karan, YSL ) of this style (ahem) of pants and nearly all are high-waisted and nipped at an ankle length with varying midriff volume—don’t the words “high-waisted,” “ankle-length,” and “midriff volume” sound lovely together? They look just as lovely together too. I was sure and certain this pants style (again, ahem) would never make it off the runway—they’ve been trying for a few years now, but then yesterday, I saw a pair at net-a-porter and another pair at Bergdorf-Goodman.

Cue ominous Jaws music here …

Still in denial, I comforted myself that only the rich and already ridiculous would be wearing them … until I saw a pair at Urban Outfitters and then another pair at H&M and the baggiest nappy-like pair at LaRedoute (pictured).

Chilling “shark circling closer” music here …

Sigh, it’s only a matter of time until I am persuaded, influenced, and fooled into thinking that I can indeed carry this baggy arse-and-thigh style (and that they look great on me with a pair of Moses sandals).

Hearing the flapping of Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation pants in my head, I turned to the March issue of Vogue to see if they could save me from myself. Instead they recommended that I should “curtail the volume with a long line mannish jacket” and include some “jersey separates” for that elegant “slouch appeal.”


I recommend that they stop talking out their mannish backsides.

I’ve decided to take MC Hammer’s advice instead: he says “You Can’t Touch This!”

I’m going dress shopping.

Photo courtesy of

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