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I Am Not Your Doormat

I am spending entirely too much time thinking about doormats. But I have to; there’s a muddy trail through my kitchen where a good, sturdy mat should be. But I can’t buy a good sturdy mat, because there’s but a 3/8'' clearance under the new door to the garage, thereby limiting my mat purchasing options.

If you lived here, you’d see that you can’t just buy any old doormat for the spot by the door to the garage. For example, you can’t buy an industrial one with a corner that rolls up. Well, you can, but you’ll spend an awful lot of time trying to get the corner to stay down on the ground where it belongs instead of tripping up retirees and children upon their entrance to the house.

You’ll put heavy objects, including a tenor saxophone case and some ski boots, on it to try to weigh it down. But it’ll just roll back up.

When you go on vacation, you’ll flip it over so that it lies flat for an entire week. But when you return and flip the mat back over, it’ll just curl right back up again, as though it waited seven days to mock you.

After one too many people trip over the curled up mat, you’ll stick it in the garage somewhere or throw it in the garbage can. That’ll show that stupid mat. Except now, you’ve got nothing protecting your kitchen floor from spring’s muddy shoes and pollen and who-knows-what-the-kids-drag-in.

So you’ll buy one of those super thin mats that look nice, but are woefully inadequate. Those mats that belong in front of a door that you open only for the rare Girl Scout cookie delivery or the meter man. Such a mat does not belong in front of your highly trafficked entryway full of backpacks, coats (why can’t they hang them up?), musical instruments, grocery bags, baseball mitts, balled up soccer socks, laptops, and shoes.

So now your super thin mat is full of dried mud—and so is your kitchen floor. Reluctantly, you Google “thin doormat” and find mats that are surely not thin enough to fit under your door. So you Google “thin doormat that fits under door” and you find all sorts of odd web sites and message boards where people spend entirely too much time talking about doormats.

You find mats for industrial areas that would most certainly make your kitchen look like the entrance to Bank of America.

You find mats designed to pull mud off shoes and let the rest of the outdoor detritus fall through—onto your kitchen tiles.

You find a mat that reads, “I am not your doormat.” You decide this is true.

You find the stinking mat that curls up, even though it says nothing about that on the web site. You contemplate adding that comment, and then you realize that you are spending entirely too much time thinking about doormats.

And then you give up, shove a beach towel by the door and hope the mud season is short this year.

Provided by MommaSaid