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Leaving Hell

I had this idea what quitting this job would be like. I would waltz in, yell, “I quit!” and leave. The reality of it is so far from that. Instead of waltzing, I silently approached by boss, knowing that what I was about to tell her was going to either make her angry as hell or sad as hell. I could barely get the words out, but once I did she just nodded and told me that she had a dream the night before that I was going to leave. She started crying, which made me start crying and a half hour later I left her cubicle to carry on with my normal work day.

I’ve never been good with change. People all around me were constantly changing their lives with such ease and the thought alone of making something change in my life made me break out in a cold sweat. I hate when people leave and I hate it more watching how comfortable they are with their lives being in an uproar for awhile. I try my hardest to keep my life as steady as possible but I am barely able to do so. My job doesn’t exactly promote regularity and stress if just a normal part of my day.

I hadn’t been happy for some time at the job and I needed to make a change in order to make my career what I wanted it to be. My biggest fear of leaving was telling my cubicle mate. She and I had a rocky start but our relationship eventually morphed into a tight team that other people in the office resented. We rocked out events and our bosses let us do mostly what we wanted. Until other people started feeling “left out” of our routine. Once that feeling got passed around, the fun stopped. Micromanaging began, with our supervisor acting like he knew everything about everything. Our job was very hands on and he hadn’t been on the floor in over a year, but acted like he knew exactly how it worked. It was aggravating at best and I could barely handle speaking with him because he was so condescending. My only hope for sanity was to find a way out. Telling my cubicle teamster was scary and sad but she was supportive and knew it was best for me.

I started casually looking for jobs and got a few people to bite, but I just wasn’t quite ready. When the New Year started, I was propelled into a new state of mind and I started taking the job search seriously. The entire time I was scared that I would slip up and somebody in the office would find out and proceed to make me miserable for the remainder of my time there. But I managed to fit interviews in on my days off and eventually I got the job I was looking for. The day I quit was emotional and draining, but totally worth it.

I freaked out about it later that night and my boyfriend had to try to make me see the good in the situation. I was so emotionally drained that even the smallest things set me off. The next day at work, I had to tell my supervisor that I was done and that turned out exactly how I thought it would. He gave me a line of crap and told me what a burden I was putting on the other people. I sat and took it but was thinking in my head how fitting it was for him to act this way because he was, in fact, the primary reason I wanted to leave.

In no way did I think that I would be moving onto a different situation that would be rainbows and kittens, but I did know that despite my misgivings, moving on would be the best thing for me. My job would now become my career and I had potential to move on even further. I was scared as hell, but excited as hell too and in the long run I knew that I would have made this step eventually. All it took was one jerk and a little confidence.