The 2008–2009 Children’s Winter Gear Contract
AKA, find your own gloves, kid.
Now, therefore, for the due consideration set forth herein, it is hereby mutually agreed by and between the parties (“MOM” and “OFFSPRING”) hereto as follows:
For this day and the remainder of the winter 2008–2009 season, or whenever it’s no longer cold enough to warrant wearing anything from the Lands End Winter Catalogue, MOM is not responsible for locating, storing, keeping inventory of, and/or otherwise devoting any brain cells to the whereabouts of any gloves, mittens, hats, scarves, coats, boots, or other winter gear that belong to OFFSPRING.
This includes, but is not limited to, the days that OFFSPRING removes muddy gloves and abandons them under muddy snow pants in the garage, only to have a third party (i.e., DAD) run over them with his car.
This also includes, but is not limited to, whenever OFFSPRING ditches hats in the back of MOM’s mini-van, in the neighbor’s yard, or on the playground at school.
Should the latter occur, it is the responsibility of OFFSPRING to root through the Lost and Found box in the school cafeteria, because MOM has better things to do, including, but not limited to, working, carpooling, and buying OFFSPRING’s Christmas presents.
OFFSPRING hereby promises not to wait until 90 seconds before the school bus arrives to search for gloves, mittens, hats, scarves, coats, boots, or other winter gear that belongs to OFFSPRING, but rather to place them on the shelves in the closet where MOM put them in the first place, back when it was still warm out.
MOM hereby promises not to reply “wherever you left them” when OFFSPRING panics and asks, “Where are my gloves?” while pulling every item of clothing out of the closet and leaving them on the kitchen floor because the bus is now here.
Rather, MOM promises to take her tea and go hide elsewhere in the house. She will not help OFFSPRING (see above Clauses 1 through 6).
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have executived this Agreement as of the day and year written above, until we do this all over again with sandals, swimsuits, and goggles when the weather gets warm again.