I knew the moment I met Brian (October 18, 2007) he was the one, with his dazzling blue eyes and sarcastic sense of humor. When he wrapped me in his arms, he smelled like heaven and being in his arms felt like heaven! We married October 18, 2008, a year to the day. I have a child from a previous marriage and it was nice to be a family again, albeit a non-traditional family and we would always be a statistic.
Brian and I both have always wanted more children, I “in theory” more so than “reality.” I have fears about trusting enough to parent with someone else, again. I relate my desire for children to the fact that before we were married I also claimed to be a great golfer and that I loved anything golf-related. Not true. However, Brian tells me last week that he is ready now! I stumbled and tripped and had to tell him I was not ready. He quickly reminded me that I had promised ...
Let’s rewind so I can help you understand why this was not music to my ears ...
August 16, 2001: I had been married less than a year (to my first husband) and had found out I was pregnant. When I told my husband the news that we were going to have a baby, he did not speak to me at all for three days. When he finally did speak to me, I was told that I had “ruined his life.” To this day, I do not know how an unplanned child in a marriage can “ruin” anyone’s life. Alter it? Maybe. Change it? For sure. Ruin it? I didn’t realize children made one want to jump off the bridge. My reaction to this statement was silence; I don’t really know that I ever talked to him again. Truthfully.
On the day Ryan was born, there were complications with the delivery and with Ryan. He was born with a unilateral complete cleft lip and palate and possibly Downs syndrome. (We realized shortly after that he did not have Downs.) We were going to have to be transferred the following morning for care in a NICU facility. My family and friends had left the hospital when visiting hours were over and at the encouragement of his mother—so did my husband.
At this point, from where I stood, my husband had abandoned me when I told him I was pregnant and had now abandoned his sick son and me. Logically, one can argue that he needed his sleep. However, I had just gone through twenty-four hours of natural childbirth to try to save our child and because I had no medication, I was going to be able to leave when my child did. I needed sleep too—but who could sleep when they are hoping their child will just survive? I also was dealing with a range of emotions; my precious baby who until birth had given us no indication that anything was wrong. His dad constantly referred to his cleft as an “issue.” It was never an “issue.” His cleft lip changed my life in such a positive manner that, if offered the chance to have him born without it, I would not.
Before Ryan turned two years old, I was a single mother. Being a single mother was not as hard as I assumed it would be. But my ex-husband was not, in many ways, verbally and mentally abusive and if I was going to survive, I had to get out. He would not have killed me, but I was to the point of considering finding my bridge. Instead, I sought refuge with my son in my two-bedroom townhouse that my grandparents fixed quite nicely for me.
While pregnant, I never had a husband who would kiss my belly, read stories to the baby, and I had heard stories about how fabulous sex was while pregnant. My ex-husband and I had sex once while I carried Ryan. The fairy tales I had in my mind never came to pass. I was afraid to open my heart and my life to the point of carrying a child again.
A few days before Brian sprung on me the baby news, I had sun burned my belly and he was kissing it to “heal” it. As he kissed my belly, he said, out of the blue, “I look forward to kissing your belly when our baby is growing in there.” I melted. Last night as we lay in each other’s arms after making love, he said, “I want to make you pregnant.”
For some reason the words sounded different than, “I want a baby.” Brian wanted the experience. I rolled over because I knew if the conversation continued, I would cry. God has yet again given me exactly what I asked for: my fairy tale.
I do not know when, but I know we will have a baby. We are now officially trying to conceive. And the day I tell my sweet Brian I am pregnant, he will have something to say!