Ask me just two months ago and I would have said with pride, “Yes, married, no kids.” Now, two months later it is June the second month of our “start trying” phase. The first month unsuccessful, now it is June; hoping this will be it. My husband and I have been married not even two years but I am thirty-one (thirty-two in a week) and decided it is that time. It is scary and it is almost all I can think about. Scary because I don’t know if I am selfless enough to become a parent, and admittedly, not sure if my husband and I have a clue what it is to be a parent. My husband is five years younger and I never wanted to rush him but he is actually more ready than me. So, it is a go, we are all set and feel like we can do this (as if we are planning a trip). It really does sound easy enough, but along with this decision comes some serious emotions and situations that I really never expected.
I find myself thinking about it daily, almost every hour on the hour; I must make it happen this month—it is on my schedule. I must be that person, it has it happen on the first try, that is what fits into our life and I always wanted a spring baby. At this point I have spent all my life trying not to get pregnant and now I am starting to worry it won’t be easy. I have heard a lot of stories about how long it has taken people to get pregnant and all the trials and tribulations of fertility. I have also heard a lot of, “First try” and “He looks at me and I get pregnant.” I guess I always took it for granted it would just happen for me?
That may not be true and now it is a fixation—which makes me crazy! I am not that girl, never have been. I am happy and content now and why if I cannot conceive should I then become an unhappy head case? The major problem is I am letting people and others’ situations get to me and I think it is making my husband a little unnerved. I live in this great neighborhood with a lot of kids—all of the moms are my friends. I am the token “PEWOK: People, Without Kids” and they want me to join mommy-hood.
If I hear one more person say, “You aren’t getting any younger” or “You guys will be great parents and you just need to do it,” I may just jump in the lake. “Just do it,” easier said than done my friends. The best one I have heard, “This economy is bad, you better just get it out of the way because you still have a job with maternity leave, use it while you have it” Really? This is just all too much. Recently at a dinner with friends, I got called out for not drinking a beer. In front of everyone one friend says, “Why aren’t you drinking—are you pregnant!?” The fact is, yes we are trying, so I wanted to be cautious, but I didn’t want to be called out nor share this ... but it was almost written all over my face. I know all these comments come with love and from a good place but when does it come to the point that it just isn’t appropriate or anyone’s business? Maybe it is my fault for even entering the conversations and or acknowledging we do want kids?
What I am learning is this whole child bearing thing is private and personal, yet it is exciting and new so you want to share the joy. I have made the mistake of saying “Yes, we are thinking about trying” and even telling my good friends, “Now is the time, we are doing it.” I regret all of the above. Yes, it is exciting and it is a way to bond with all the great friends/moms I have made but all it does is add to the stress of it. I mean, I spend hours searching the internet for “when do I ovulate,” “what is Lacteal phase”—still don’t know?! At times I fear I want to get pregnant for wrong reasons, the reasons that are to say, “Finally, I did it and I am a legitimate woman, part of the club.” I hate even admitting it, but surely, I am not alone.
The process is complicated and so unknown but I think there comes a time where I click the “close” button and just stop over thinking it—that time is today. I know we have just started trying and I need to relax and enjoy the process, I am working on that. The control freak in me has been a work in progress for over thirty years; it’s hard to leave that behind. I hope things work out for us but if they don’t I will be okay and know that I have a lot of love to give in other areas of my life. Mainly, in this process I will take with me a renewed respect for all the trying parents out there and be that friend who doesn’t question or judge.