I must be insane. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for why, at this point in my life, I’m thinking about having another baby. “Thinking about it” doesn’t quite do it justice. I’m obsessed. The thought keeps crossing my mind I’d really like another baby. Then my mind instantly answers itself, Are you crazy?! Don’t you remember what it was like? What it is still like? This last part of the thought is because my two and a half-year-old son still doesn’t sleep through the night.
Maybe a little back-story is needed. I already have a four and a half year old daughter and a two and a half year old son. I am a full-time working mom. I have a wonderfully helpful husband who also works full-time. So, aside from having already fulfilled my socially acceptable one boy and one girl quota, what’s wrong with wanting to have another baby?
Let’s go back to that not sleeping through the night thing. My daughter was over three before she slept through the night most nights. My son still wakes up at least once a night, sometimes more, requiring me to go lay in his bed to get him back to sleep. Not counting interruptions, my typical night of sleep is only six and a half hours long due to my full time job and the typical duties of motherhood. I am constantly exhausted. I can’t keep up with the housework, my job, having quality time with the kids, and taking care of myself. I feel mediocre at everything and can excel at nothing. I have no time for myself and far less time for my husband than he would like. And this is the best it’s been since my son was born. Not to mention the job insecurity both my husband and myself face at this point, the lack of family near us to help out, the ... endless reasons it’s not a good idea at this point in time.
I know I have told everyone “that’s it, we’re done, no more kids”. I have told myself I could not do this again, certainly not with two older kids. I have told my husband several times over the past couple years “If I ever consider having another baby again just tell me I’m insane and remind me how things were at this moment.”
So, I somewhat tentatively mentioned to my husband the other week that I had been considering whether or not I wanted another baby. He just gave me a stunned look of horror which prompted me to try to laugh it off as a joke or just a passing thought. Unfortunately it’s not. As I said, I’m obsessed. I keep reading baby articles and looking at baby clothes. I try to justify it to myself by thinking I’m only interested because my sister is having a baby at the end of this month. I’ve bought way too many baby clothes and sent them to her already.
Why do I want another baby so much? I miss having a little baby, so sweet, so innocent, so completely reliant on me. I miss the tiny clothes, the cuddling, the surprises. I miss all the little milestones like first smile, first foods, crawling, walking. I miss the unconditional love without (the natural and completely healthy toddler identity-establishing) defiance. Is that enough reasons? And of course all babies must grow up and all those things will be gone again in a short couple years. Don’t get me wrong, I love my other children beyond anything else and they have their own unique stages to adore now and look forward to. Perhaps it’s just nostalgia.
I want another baby in my life, but at the same time I know it would be incredibly hard on me and my family. But the thought doesn’t go away. Does anyone else have this problem?