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Birth Control Via Another Long Ass Line at the Dollar Store

To the mother of the cherubic, not yet mobile, baby boy peacefully being pushed in the green shopping cart the other night at Dollar Tree.

Yes, my two-year-old regularly runs away from me in public places.

Yes, I normally look this stressed out.

Yes, if both my children decide to run away from me in a public place and run in opposite directions, I look doubly stressed out.

Yes, I did bribe my children to dutifully follow me to the checkout line, which always manages to go from empty to spilling over with customers with twenty-five items each, and nothing but wrinkled dollar bills and pennies crammed in their pockets or debit cards that get rejected as soon as I so much glance that way, with the proposition of driving around to look at Christmas lights.

Yes, my oldest daughter said, “I’ll love you forever mommy if you get these,” when presenting me with princess ring pops as we approached the checkout line for the third time, and baby sister ran toward the household cleaners like the Tasmanian Devil.

Yes, I did reply, “I know you will love mommy forever even if I don’t buy them. We still have candy left over from Halloween! Where the heck is sissy?! Go get her ARRRGGGHHH!"

Yes, for a second I thought I might spontaneously combust from stress.

Yes, I did cut in front of you because by God I had to get out of that store before I had a nervous breakdown and I think you could sense that as you seemed to be afraid of me.

Yes, I saw you look at me and step aside.

Rethinking that second child in 2008 now, aren’t you?

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