So, I finally had the nervous breakdown I’ve been anticipating for the better part of a year. It was pretty much just like I expected. I ranted and raved at my dear darling husband, who looked at me blankly for the whole ten to fifteen minutes.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m NOT dissin’ mental illness or anything like that. It’s just that. Well, I feel better now.
I have been so strung out on anxiety for so long that it feels fantastic that I finally let it all out and … there was no blood shed. Not mine, not my children, not my husband. The house is as it was before … chaos, but nothing (else) is broken and for the most part, no one is the wiser. Except, of course, for that husband.
It was a lot like waiting for that package you order. Each day passes without its arrival and you wonder if it’s ever going to come. Then, there is the doorbell ringing and you find yourself in possession of this ‘thing’ and you’re happy … but then … it’s just something else to put away, to put together, to wrap for somebody, etc.
And then you feel sort of empty. The thrill is gone. The difference with the breakdown of course is I feel so much better now. Less anxious. Less stressed. Less temperamental. Less edgy. Less angry. Less. And as we’ve been hearing for a while “less is more.” Right? At least now I am more relaxed, more serene, calmer, all good.
It wasn’t a PMS thing. It was really very severe. It was triggered by a very mundane event. And that, has me a little concerned. But it was the sort of thing that does take the best out of a Mom. I was repeating myself for the “Quadrillionth” time to my oldest son about a very simple task and later I found myself stewing about it in my bathroom. That’s when I broke.
However, I have been reading a book that is talking to my soul about my disappointment with motherhood. This wonderful book is letting me feel UN-alone in this journey I picked. That seems to be the key to stability. The sense that you’re not alone, no matter how lonely you feel. Somewhere, somehow, someone has been there too. Felt alone and yet part of a majority. That’s how I feel and it helps. Its better. Misery loves company I guess that is true. True of all those negatives in life. That’s what makes support groups so important, so necessary, and so successful.
They also say catharsis is good for the soul. Anything good for the soul has got to be good for the mind, so I will take writing as a prescription for my mental health and permit myself to start that book I have been wanting to write my entire life. I think I have the premise to the book and it should come out an awful lot like this little essay here. My adventures in motherhood should make for great entertainment if not a pretty good textbook for the “what not to do” course.
As I told a friend the other day, there are days when being a Mom is the best thing in the world and then … there are the OTHER days.