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Bye Bye Binkie

7:40 p.m. Friday October 9th
Pacifier Passing
The beginning of the Night From Hell. I am ready—armed with my ammo (wine) sitting in Indie’s room while she goes ballistic, “Mama I want my baba!!!” Over and over again making a broken record sound like a welcome melody. I bought her a cuddledog to hug when she feels sad and she just chucked it at me across the room. It luckily missed my wine glass. I am sitting here in the dark with my heart torn apart and exposed, feeling like Cheney and the gang in a kiddie waterboarding secret—or maybe worse. My little loves sole comfort, that has been there for her through the good and bad from day ONE, has been yanked from her world—how can this not cause permanent psychological damage?

Will she still love me tomorrow? Isn’t that an Air Supply song? I tried hard to stare at her buck teeth tonight—even taking a picture of them—to ease my pain and try to find some small assurance I am doing the right thing. In this very moment a buck-toothed senior portrait isn’t looking too bad. Actually, the buck teeth will ward off all the boys—yes! She is still hysterical and I need a refill. Wendy—this is going much worse than we discussed earlier. I don’t even think it is 8 p.m, “Hug me mama!!!” Was just used as a ploy to grab onto me and not let go—“I want to get out!!!!” Like a hyena scratching its long claws across the chalk board. OMG is the understatement of the night. “I want to cuddle you mama I want to get out!” So far, I have remained remarkably calm and strong. I will check back in fifteen minutes with an update from the front …

8:10 p.m. Friday October 10th
John Jakob
Jingleheimer Schmidt—have sung it about seven times found a site on my blackberry here with nursery rhyme lyrics I am now on Amazing grace and learned there were three more stanzas to twinkletwinkle that I never even knew about! Regardless—Indie is adding her own lyric of, “I WANT BABA!!!!!!!!!!!” To each song in a very high octave and surprisingly she is digging amazing grace because she thinks it is about our neighbors Grace and Paige.

8:22 p.m. Friday October 10th
Nails
This girl is TOUGH. I respect her tenacity even as it drives another nail through my skull. I feel my resolve slowly breaking down. I need to remain strong. I am revisiting my catholic upbringing and whispering the hail mary, the our father—where can I find some rosary beads? Mother Mary guide me through this. Amen.

8:52pm Friday October 10th
Mastermind
My Little Einstein broke free of the bars. “Mama I have to go potty!” She knew it was the ONLY request I could not refuse. Although I did consider throwing my potty training hours in the toilet (hahaha) and just telling her to go in her diaper. Out she came and onto the potty she went where before I knew it she had me feeding her a yobaby as she sat there. Now she is back in the crib and figured out if she cries hard enough it will make her gag and quite possibly vomit leading her to a get out of jail free card. I am standing next to the crib armed and dangerous with my little puke pail and a wavering resolve.

9:08 p.m. Friday October 10th
Intervention
I feel like I am on the show Intervention. I ripped away the crack, heroin, booze, pacifier—it’s all the same—and now I am sitting here witnessing my baby going through withdrawals cold turkey. She is absolutely flipping out at this point. She is so overtired and still giving it her all. Giving it the best that she’s got tonibraxton style. I am now questioning whether this was all worth it—worth her sleeping through the night at two weeks pretty much all the way through her life thus far. I knew I had that little nuk, the dummy, the baba, the binky to thank and thank it I did! I sang its praises for the past 2.4 years. Now I curse the day Indie gleefully latched on to that baby. The light at the end of this tunnel is REAL dim. A ten-watt bulb. Flickering.

9:20 p.m. Friday October 10th
110 watt
And we have lift off! Of my spirits that is! Snoring. Deep breathing. And NO baba. I just did the drop and roll and somersaulted my way out of the room. Right towards the fridge. I am planning on pulling my first all-nighter in years. I figure I am good for a few hours until the first of many, “wake up grasp for the baba realize it’s not there and totally flip out” moments. But for now my friends there is peace on Rice Lane. Peace and hope. And Pinot Noir.

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