Confessions of a Stepford Wife

by Kristi Stevens

Confessions of a Stepford Wife

Last week a good friend said to me, via email, that she didn’t think she had ever met a mom that had it all together. I nodded in agreement. Then she followed with “you seem to, though”. Uh oh. I’ve been thinking about this and feel I need to correct this gross misperception. So, my sweet friend, this is for you.


1. My house is always a mess. The window seats in my breakfast room are littered with art supplies, old newspapers, paint brushes, pencils with no erasures, a box from a cell phone I bought eight months ago, and Yuh Gi Oh cards that have kick ass damage points.


2. My truck is always a mess. I have six drink holders in the Palinmobile and never anywhere to put my Diet Coke for my morning commute. Twice this week, trash has fallen out of the truck during carpool drop-off. My poor daughter, always being last to tumble out of the truck, had to stop, pick up the trash, and throw it back in before I sped off.


3. I paid the water bill twice this month.


4. My son ate goldfish for dinner last night while my daughter and I ate Chef Boyardee Ravioli out of the can. My son wanted a grilled cheese, but I was out of cheese.


5. Night before last, I went to the grocery store at 10:30 pm for milk.


6. Yesterday, my daughter removed her doorknob with the help of four screwdrivers. I took one look at it and decided I would need four screwdrivers before dealing with it. Perhaps this weekend we can hook up my kind of screwdrivers and hers and get the door repaired.


7. My son’s teacher just emailed me to tell me that she caught my son researching “chocolate milk” instead of “biomes” in the computer lab. I don’t know what biomes are. I will need to Google it at some point today.


8. My dad asked me at 6 am this morning if I thought all the people in the Bush Administration who were responsible for the torture program were going to “walk.” I actually said, “Right now, I don’t care.”


9. I’m fairly certain that I growled at my husband this morning when he asked for sex.


10. Today, I am wearing the most uncomfortable shoes on the planet. They hurt my back, my toes, and my ankles. And I love them and I have no plans to stop wearing them. They are kick-ass cool and I’m willing to sacrifice a lot to be able to wear four inch heels.