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December Cycle

After all the drama last month, I guess we are sitting this cycle out. I have a large cyst left behind from last months stimulation cycle. We will just have to go it naturally until January, bummer! I grow so tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. I dream of having that big round belly, of being able to wear whatever I want without anyone saying anything, of other women staring at me longingly, of waking up five times or more a night just to pee, I want it all. I am doing all the work and reaping none of the benefits. I love my husband so much but when you are going through infertility treatments and documenting your cycles and taking your temps every morning, sex just becomes another chore on your “to do” list. The passion kind of dies out, it’s not making love or having sex or even that other naughty word that comes to mind at times, it’s trying to make a baby which is something all together different. My bedroom has become a laboratory and sex is like a science experiment. From differing positions to old wives tales, we’ve tried it all at this point. The funny thing is that fourteen years ago when I wasn’t planning on having children, what do you know, I end up pregnant with a healthy baby boy. I love him to death as well as my second son that came along when nobody was trying eleven years ago but once I started trying it seemed like the universe was playing some evil game with me. My body starts to play tricks with my mind as well. I feel like I might be pregnant for a few days every month, I have all the symptoms, sore breasts, exhaustion, having to pee every ten minutes, even some nausea. I just know this is my month and then I get my period! Talk about feeling like a nutcase. We are only giving this two more tries with meds and then we are giving up. I can’t keep doing this to myself because eventually I think it will drive me insane. Besides, I already have a track record of getting pregnant when I don’t want to so maybe if I give up it will just happen. Well, that was my rant for the beginning of this month’s cycle. I am sure there will be more when the symptoms set in again in about two weeks or so …

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